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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738868">I Still Exist (In Spite Of You)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatherineMorgenstern/pseuds/CatherineMorgenstern'>CatherineMorgenstern</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Far Cry 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(there's something going on between Rook and Jake), Betrayal, Catatonia, Classical conditioning, Depression, Eli lives, Eli's a big softie, F/M, Fear, Jacob lives, Jacob's POV is included, Jake's diabolical but Rook's giving him a run for his money, Manipulation, Minor Character Death, Murder, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Non-Sexual Submission, Not a Redemption Arc, Nudity, Obsession, POV Third Person, Possessiveness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Scheming, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Sexual Tension, Solitary Confinement, Starvation, Suggestive Themes, Trauma, Voice Kink, canon-divergent, casual ableism on Rook's part, deprivation, deprogramming, enemies to tentative allies to almost lovers to kind of enemies (it's complicated and fucked up), hints of Eli x Rook (they're very protective of each other), not focused on romance in the traditional sense, operant conditioning, somewhat open-ended, unhealthy relationship dynamic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:08:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,785</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738868</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatherineMorgenstern/pseuds/CatherineMorgenstern</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>To have agency over one's own mind and body is a right so sacrosanct that its violation has irreversible consequences.<br/>After Rook was subjected to Jacob Seed's conditioning, her sense of self is irrevocably tarnished. In an effort to pry him and his misguided darwinistic ideology out of her psyche, she accepted Eli's help only to discover they failed when she is once again reduced to a mindless killing machine.<br/>Despite the crippling despair and demoralization of being back at square one, Rook has had enough of his sadistic game and seeks to best him.<br/>A dangerous battle for Rook's sanity ensues that challenges the depth and strength of their fabricated bond.</p><p> <i>*warnings for each chapter inside*</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female Deputy | Judge &amp; Eli Palmer, Female Deputy | Judge/Jacob Seed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. You're Just Another Tool</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A huuuuge thank you to my phenomenal beta, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heeley/pseuds/Heeley">Heeley</a>, who tirelessly cheered me on and indulged my ramblings about this fic since I started working on it in January. You're the best, dear &lt;3</p><hr/><p>I rearranged the timeline and circumstances of Jacob's trials to fit my narrative.</p><p>
  <i>Dialogue in italics taken directly from the game.</i>
</p><hr/><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> non-consensual drug use (bliss arrow), talk of infanticide (because Joseph), classical conditioning, operant conditioning, murder</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>“Nobody ever thinks of himself as a villain, does he? Even monsters hold high opinions of themselves.”</em><br/>
<em>(The Ballad Of Black Tom by Victor LaValle)</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Rook's breath came out in sharp but even puffs, painting white plumes into the frigid air as she hiked through the Whitetails' stark wilderness on her way to the Wolf's Den. It was early spring but this high up, it still felt very much like winter and although she more than appreciated the lack of heat, she was looking forward to a reprieve from the unrelenting cold that seemed to have settled deep in her bones.</p><p>"Rook, what's your 20? Over."</p><p>Eli's gruff but warm voice disturbed the forest's serenity as the radio cackled to life. Smiling, she reached for the device that was clipped to her belt, fumbling a bit due to her stiff fingers.</p><p>"Rook, d'you copy? Over."</p><p>"Easy, Palmer. Don't get your panties in a twist," she teased, grin widening. "Miss me already?"</p><p>She'd expected to get some smart-aleck remark thrown back at her but Eli sounded entirely unamused.</p><p>"What's your fucking ETA, Rook."</p><p>Concern colored his voice, instantly erasing all traces of mirth from her mind.</p><p>"10 minutes, give or take. What's wrong?"</p><p>"Chosen are out and about. Get your butt over here."</p><p>"Roger that."</p><p>"Be careful."</p><p>"Always am."</p><p>Before she'd so much as refastened the radio, a different voice emanated from it; a far colder and deadlier one that raised the hairs all over her body.</p><p>"<em>Y'know, Deputy,</em>" Jacob drawled, "<em>if it were up to me you'd have been dead a long time ago</em>."</p><p>Just hearing him made her mind flash back to a half-remembered fiery hellscape and hazy images of the carnage left in her wake.</p><p>"<em>But Joseph has other ideas. And he wants to talk to you, so that's what you're going to do. Don't worry. My hunters will bring you to him</em>."</p><p>She cursed under her breath as she dove behind the nearest tree that provided less than adequate cover before she freed her gun and searched the sparse foliage for signs of Jacob's Chosen. He wouldn't be taunting her like this if they weren't close already. The Wolf's Den wasn't that far. She'd probably make it in time but the risk of leading the enemy straight to the Militia was too high so she discarded that idea almost as soon as it had occurred to her. Only way out of this was to run like hell back towards the Valley or the Henbane but she had no illusions about the likelihood of making it that far.</p><p>For a small eternity, indecision rooted her to the spot. Murky sunlight painted shifting patterns on the dead leaves that blanketed the ground. The stillness surrounding her only served to heighten her unease but the prospect of being an easy target if she remained immobile any longer shook her out of her stupor.</p><p>Falling into a semi-crouch, she scurried from cover to cover, always looking over her shoulder and tensing at the smallest disturbance. The longer she went without a glimpse of Jacob's men, the more uneasy she got. Months of running ragged all over Hope County had taught her that luck was seldom on her side when it came to the cult's hunting parties so where the fuck were they? Feeling a sense of impending doom, she deliberately slowed her breathing and took care not to make any unnecessary noise as she inched forward, waiting for them to betray their position. There was no way they didn't already have her in their sights; the back of her neck prickled with the feeling of being watched. Before coming to Hope County, she might have waved it off as her overactive imagination but she'd since learned to trust her instincts.</p><p>As if summoned by that thought, the whistling of an arrow disturbed the quiet. Only her quick reflexes saved her from it hitting home. Throwing herself forward into a roll that allowed her to scramble to her feet immediately afterwards, she took off running, throwing all caution to the wind. Her sudden movement spurred the hunters into action as well. Shouts rang out behind her, accompanied by the sounds of boots hitting the hard earth as they took up the pursuit. Though she'd become familiar with the terrain, it still proved difficult to keep her footing on the uneven ground while staying aware of her surroundings and what direction she was headed in. It would be all too easy to get turned around, considering it all pretty much looked the same.</p><p>Arrows rained down around her, making zigzagging a necessity but that also meant losing ground as Jacob's soldiers kept coming straight after her. If she thought she'd survive a dip in the river, she'd have jumped and let it carry her out of the mountains but she knew that the icy water would shock her system to the point of paralysis. As her pursuers caught up to her, she genuinely considered giving it a try in a last ditch effort to escape since the possibility of dying from hypothermia seemed preferable to ending up back in Jacob's clutches.</p><p>Her musings were cut short when one of those blasted arrows embedded themselves in her thigh.</p><p>"Son of a bitch," she muttered as the Bliss seeped into her system, turning the world around her green and sparkly before her vision blurred around the edges and she fell unconscious.</p>
<hr/><p>When she next opened her eyes, it was dark outside. She was looking up at a plethora of twinkling stars though the night sky was obstructed by what looked like cell bars. The scent of smoke tickled her nose a second before the cackling of nearby flames reached her ears and when she turned her head, wincing at the instant burst of pain that came from grazing the tender back of her head on the hard ground, she noticed a barrel that had been turned into a fire pit. Her vision was still a little fuzzy and nausea threatened to overwhelm her at any second now so it took the length of a heartbeat for her mind to fully catalogue the scene before her.</p><p>When it registered with her that Jacob Seed was standing only a few feet away, it instantly activated her fight or flight instinct, making her head hurt and muscles spasm from how quickly she'd scrambled into a sitting position, not wanting to be caught off guard by the Soldier, of all people. Though she realized that it probably didn't matter, seeing as he'd already put her into a fucking cage. But the memory of what had happened the first time she'd been caught in his presence caused a mixture of dread, fear and hatred to bubble up, coalescing into a toxic cocktail that threatened to eviscerate everything else as bile rose in the back of her throat and she doubled over, throwing up the meager contents of her stomach.</p><p>"<em>They want you to be strong.</em>"</p><p>Her head snapped to the side at the familiar voice, increasing the dizziness as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. When her eyes met Staci's and she noticed the state he was in, tears sprang to her eyes. The bruises all over his face made it quite obvious that he'd been beaten but it was his feverish expression that unsettled her the most. He was holding onto the bars as if they were a lifeline, eyes locked onto her face with an intensity that bordered on mania.</p><p>"<em>One of you will be strong</em>--"</p><p>"<em>Get outta here, peaches</em>," Jacob ordered, shoving Staci out of the way who stumbled but retreated without another word, hunching his shoulders as he slinked away.</p><p>Her fellow deputy had been reduced to looking like a kicked puppy and it caused her disdain for the eldest Seed to skyrocket despite the fear that crawled up her spine when she'd heard the voice that had become a prominent feature in her nightmares. Her heart was racing even as a sneer formed on her lips. For the briefest of moments, Jacob made eye contact with her and her breath got stuck in her lungs. Transfixed, she got momentarily lost in a sea of blue so pale it reminded her of a frozen lake in the midst of winter: deceptively calm on the surface with the promise of a slow death hidden within its unfathomable depths. A shiver made her tremble. The total absence of compassion in those glacial orbs turned her blood to ice in her veins. He cocked his head, causing the deepest scars marring his face to be plunged into shadows, and the corner of his mouth lifted as though he was about to say something but in the next moment, the Father himself appeared by his side.</p><p>The sight of Joseph Seed had her clenching her fists. This was all his fault. All. Of. It. John's torture, Faith's manipulation, Jacob's mindfuck. Hope County was tearing itself apart because of this self-proclaimed prophet who hid his capacity for violence and cruelty behind a façade of benevolence and a promise of divinity, doling out assurances of reaching the promised land if people would only put their mental and physical well-being at his steel-booted feet.</p><p>The brothers ignored her for the time being as they embraced and Joseph touched his forehead to Jacob's. She scoffed at their show of intimacy before her eyes fixed on Staci who was loitering in the background, shifting uneasily from one foot to the other. Fear was radiating off of him in waves and it made her heart hurt as goosebumps erupted on her arms caused by the depth of his despair. He seemed close to a full-blown mental breakdown. She needed to get him out of here. Come hell or high water, she was going to rescue Pratt from Jacob's clutches, she promised silently.</p><p>Her focus snapped back towards the Seeds the second Joseph moved, stepping past Jacob to approach her cage.</p><p>Crouching down in front of it to put himself at eye level with her, he said, "<em>I know you are in pain. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, huh? But you’re not the only one to be tested. Did you know that I had a wife</em>?"</p><p>His voice was pitched low, intended to be soothing, no doubt, but all she felt was anger. A rage so potent she was vibrating with it, longing to throw herself at the bars to wrap her hands around his throat and squeeze until he stopped breathing. If she clenched her jaw any tighter, she'd crack her teeth. Joseph was either oblivious to the vitriol in her gaze or he'd chosen to ignore it as he rolled up his left sleeve and pointed out a woman's face amongst the abundance of tattoos that littered his skin.</p><p>"<em>So beautiful, isn’t she? We were pregnant with our first child. And we were just babies ourselves, really. And I was terrified. Of becoming a father. Mostly about money. She wasn’t worried. She had faith that things were going to work out. She always had faith. And then one day, she was going to go visit a friend. There was an accident… and the Lord taketh.</em>"</p><p>He choked up, overwhelmed by apparent grief, seemingly lost in memories as he stared unseeingly at the ground but she couldn't help but wonder if it was all an act, specifically designed to rouse her sympathy; to pave the road for her acceptance of his and - according to him - her God-given purpose. If so, he was failing miserably. Maybe John was right and she was so consumed by Wrath that it made her blind to her purpose but if that was true then she couldn't have picked a more deserving target. Although… her eyes flitted towards the eldest brother who'd stayed back. In terms of the greater good, Joseph Seed needed to be taken out or Hope County would never know peace again but when it came to her personal vendetta, Jacob scored higher on her list than even the Father.</p><p>"<em>And they rushed me to a hospital and put me in a room with this little pink bundle stuffed with tubes,</em>" Joseph said, looking up, staring imploringly into her eyes. "<em>And they said that I had to be strong because my little girl was going to live. God was looking out for our daughter. And they left me alone in a room with her. I just… stared… at my daughter. So helpless. So innocent. And all she had in the world was me</em>."</p><p>He practically snarled those last words, sounding more angry than she'd ever heard him. As if the fact that his daughter had survived an accident that had killed his wife was something to resent.</p><p>"<em>A nobody, from nowhere, with nothing.</em><br/>
<em>And in that moment I knew that God was testing me. He was laying out a path before me and all I had to do was choose. So I put my hand on my little girl's head and I leaned in and I could smell…</em> " he said, trailing off. "<em>And we prayed together. Prayed for wisdom. Prayed for strength… then I knew. And I heard God’s plan for me. And I took my fingers and I put them on that little plastic tube that was taped to her angelic face and I pinched it shut.</em>"</p><p>He hummed, looking, for all intents and purposes, like a madman as the horror of his tale stilled her entire being and she recalled that video she'd seen of him gouging out a man's eyes with his bare hands. Her lips twisted in a snarl as she wondered what it would be like to scrape out his eyeballs with shards from those ridiculous yellow glasses of his.</p><p>"<em>And after a little while her legs began to kick and kick… then nothing… stillness. Release</em>," he breathed. "<em>The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh</em>."</p><p>If she hadn't already been convinced that the Father of Eden's Gate was a stone-cold killer, all residual doubts had just been laid to rest. What kind of monster would murder a helpless baby? Their own flesh and blood, no less?</p><p>Rising to his feet, he reached through the bars as if to grab her but she was huddled too far away.</p><p>"<em>Pain. Sacrifice. These are all part of his test and we have to prove that we can serve God no matter what he asks.</em>"</p><p>She was at a loss for words. The fanatic glint in his eyes told her nothing she said would get through to him anyway even if she hadn't been too shell-shocked by his revelation to form a coherent sentence. Jacob had stepped closer in the meantime, coming to stand next to his brother. Joseph's story had horrified her so much that she hadn't even noticed his approach but now her eyes were glued to what he was holding.</p><p>The Father turned away from her, placing his hand on Jacob's shoulder. "<em>You’ve done well</em>."</p><p>Jacob nodded in acknowledgement but his eyes were fixed on Rook, watching her with an inscrutable expression as he wound up the music box. She curled in on herself, covering her ears with her hands in a futile effort to muffle the sound.</p><p>
  <strong>Only you can make all this world seem right</strong>
</p><p>Hearing the unmistakable cadences of a music box should inspire nostalgia and childlike wonder. Instead, the opening chords of that infernal song caused her vision to swim as darkness began to creep in at the edges and a sense of vertigo turned her muscles to Jell-O.</p><p>"No," she whispered, nearly whimpering as her breathing became erratic despite her attempts to stay calm and hold onto her mind.</p><p>
  <strong>Only you can make the darkness bright</strong>
</p><p>Fear of what was about to happen made heat rush through her body before it turned into cold sweat that beaded on her brow, upper lip and the nape of her neck even as it seemed to freeze the blood in her very veins. Rook's shirt was already uncomfortably sticking to her back as she did her best to wrap the calmness Eli had tried to instill in her like a blanket around her mind that would shield her from what was about to happen. But it was no use; she felt her sanity slipping through her fingers like grains of sand in an hourglass before she blacked out.</p><p>
  <strong>Only you and you alone</strong>
</p><p>When her sight returned, she was in that familiar red hellscape that felt like being trapped in the midst of her worst nightmare while her body began to move on autopilot, trying to gain Jacob's purred praise; wanting to be better, faster and more efficient just to please him.</p><p>Rook was in a trance - a mindless puppet dancing on Jacob's string - as she picked up the gun that was lying on the table in front of her, shooting the other people that were in the room with her without hesitation. The fact that they turned into columns of smoke when she hit them only added to the feeling of surrealism but she was too far gone to connect their dissolving figures with the carnage she'd glimpsed after her last trial.</p><p>
  <em>Excellent.</em>
</p><p>When she reached the doorway that lead to the labyrinthine compound beyond, she automatically fell into a semi-crouch, checking for enemies before proceeding onwards. Someone turned the corner ahead of her, coming towards her while aiming to take her out but she shot the man with cold indifference.</p><p>
  <em>Keep moving.</em>
</p><p>The command elicited a pleasurable tingle that snaked up her spine and caused her to push herself even harder, fueled by the need to improve.</p><p>
  <em>Good. Cull the herd.</em>
</p><p>Person after person fell prey to her gun and bare hands as she navigated the blazing compound and she felt a savage sort of glee at weeding out the unworthy as she searched for the final target. Every time she took someone out, she sneered at their weakness: those who couldn't survive deserved to be eliminated. They were meat, nothing more.</p><p>
  <em>Well done.</em>
</p><p>When she made it to the end of the maze, she didn't waste any time to aim and shoot, hitting the faceless man right between the eyes which ended the trial. As darkness began to creep in at the edges of her vision once more, her legs gave out from under her, making her crumble to the floor as Jacob's voice reverberated through her skull.</p><p>
  <em>Perfect.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://www.whollyoutdoor.com/walkie-talkie-lingo-and-codes/">What’s your 20? Used when you want to know the location of the other person. Where are you?</a>
</p><hr/><p>What do we think of the third person narrative? I usually write second person but third seems to be more prevalent in this fandom.</p><hr/><p>So, ever since Far Cry 5 came out, I've been fascinated (and horrified) by Jacob's brand of mindfuckery. It's presented as classical conditioning and it is, but it's not <i>just</i> classical conditioning. <a href="https://behavioralinquiry.com/2018/10/12/a-behaviorists-take-on-far-cry-5/">A behavioural scientist who played the game examined and explained Jacob's methods for us.</a></p><p>Turns out, Jacob's actually using both <b>classical conditioning and operant conditioning</b> (the latter of which I like to call this fandom's collective praise kink) to make his process work.</p><p>The game tells us his method is Pavlov's basic classical conditioning: presenting a neutral stimulus (Only You) along with an unconditioned stimulus (PowerPoint presentation) to trigger a conditioned response (murderous rage).</p><p>But there's more to it. He also uses reinforcement and punishment during his trials.</p><p>Operant Conditioning differs from Classical Conditioning in one major way; it focuses on the ability of the subject to <b>respond in a specific way</b>, followed by a reinforcer in order to increase the frequency of that behavior or shape it towards a targeted goal.</p><p>Jacob does that the first time he catches the Deputy. It’s not just the classical conditioning. He trains us to strengthen that stimulus-and-response relationship and introduces faster and more vicious behaviours to gain his praise.</p><p>He uses what is called <b>Discrete Trials</b>. The stimulus to set it off is the same each time (Only You) and then the operant part comes in: our task is to eliminate all enemies in a specific time frame to complete the task and receive positive reinforcement for the trained behaviors we exhibited.</p><p>In other words, Jacob is not only pairing behavior, he is shaping repertoires by <b>creating a series of trained responses</b> (operants) when presenting his neutral stimulus <b>to be completed in a way that <i>he</i> controls.</b></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. You Don't Think, You Act</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Monsters shape the world. Monsters force us to become stronger, smarter, better. They sift the weak from the strong and provide a forge for the steeling of souls. Even as we curse monsters, we admire them. Seek to become them, in some ways."</em>
  <br/>
  <em>(Ghost Story by Jim Butcher)</em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Rook woke to desperate cries and whimpered pleas, interspersed with the snarling and howling of wolves and the remembered scent of copper that made her sick to her stomach. The pounding in her temples and stiffness of her muscles made her wince but it wasn't until she attempted to shift into a more comfortable position on the cold, hard ground that an audible groan left her lips. Every inch of her body felt as if it had been bludgeoned to a pulp. She'd experienced this kind of pain once before - the aftermath that had, at times, felt like seizures - and it made her wary of opening her eyes because of what she knew it meant.</p>
<p>"Playing dead, Dep?"</p>
<p>That familiar low baritone raised additional goosebumps all over her already freezing body. Rook had lost count of how often she'd woken from a nightmare with the echoes of that voice whispering through her mind</p>
<p>No, no, no, no, no.</p>
<p>"C'mon, pup. I know you're awake."</p>
<p>The command in his voice was as unmistakable as the warning it held. Her heart began to race as cold sweat trickled down between her shoulder blades, seeping into her shirt which only served to add to the clamminess of her skin. His voice turned her stomach even as some small fragment of her felt a desperate need to do as he said just so he wouldn't be disappointed in her. Next thing she knew, she was doused in icy water. Squeaking from the shock of it, she instinctively scuttled out of the way. Now that her eyes were open, she saw that she was back in the cage and that the red-headed devil was standing right in front of it.</p>
<p>Shivering like a drowned rat, Rook huddled into the farthest corner of her prison, glaring at Jacob with all the hatred she felt for him and his actions. She had nothing but disgust for what he did to people; what he'd done to her. How he'd fucked with her mind and had turned her into his mindless, little toy soldier. And yet the disapproving look in those pale eyes made her feel like a failure and elicited the desire to prostrate herself at his feet while begging for his forgiveness for whatever she'd done wrong. She couldn't take her eyes off of him and she tried to convince herself that the reason for that was simple strategy and caution in the face of danger. After all, everyone knew that one should never turn one's back on one's enemy, especially not one as merciless as Jacob who had the means to control her but that insidious little voice in her head that sounded an awful lot like the Soldier himself urged her to obey his every order. As Rook wrapped her arms around her knees that she'd pulled close to her chest, she recoiled when she noticed that her hands were streaked with dried blood. The evidence of what she'd done was a stark reminder of his conditioning having terrible, real life consequences, no matter how surreal it felt while she was under his control.</p>
<p>"Sleep well?" he drawled as a nearly imperceptible smirk formed on his lips. "You had a very productive run, after all."</p>
<p>Red bled in from the edges of her vision even as tears pricked her eyes. That smug superiority made her want to rip him to shreds. She longed to gouge out those pretty blue eyes of his. Baring her teeth at him in what could only be called a snarl, she felt her hackles rise even further when he laughed at her. The fact that she was helpless - as his prisoner and a victim of his fucked up conditioning - only served to incense her further but while that anger was true and real it was also masking fear; the unfathomable kind of dread that had settled so deep in her marrow that it seemed to be inextricably linked to her very being and had the ability to reduce her to a panicked mess. The threat Jacob's mere presence posed was enough to make her light-headed; it coiled around her heart like a vise, threatening to squeeze the vulnerable organ into a pulp until she was nothing but an empty shell of a person.</p>
<p>All Rook could think as she stared into those wintry orbs was that Eli's deprogramming hadn't worked. She was still - for all intents and purposes - <em>Jacob's</em>.</p>
<p>All the hours upon hours Eli had spent trying to help her regain control over her mind had, apparently, been a waste of time. Despair turned her blood sluggish, weighing down her limbs. She'd been so sure that she'd had a breakthrough just a few days ago. After Eli had rendered her immobile and had played <em>Only You</em> on a loop - day after day after day - to break the association Jacob had ingrained in Rook's brain, she'd slowly but surely began to relax despite that song blaring in her ears by focusing on her breathing as she'd envisioned a calm beach while seeking the calmness Eli exuded until she'd been able to stop herself from succumbing to that red haze that sent her into a fugue state fueled by murderous rage. So sure had Rook been of its success that she'd risked leaving the Wolf's Den in order to resume her efforts to take down the cult. Eli had cautioned her to manage her expectations since setbacks were almost guaranteed. Now she knew he'd been right in thinking it wouldn't be this easy; Jacob was just as deeply embedded within her psyche as he'd been before</p>
<p>Rook fought the urge to claw at the skin of her hands to get rid of the very visceral reminder of what she'd done while under Jacob's thrall. Not that she couldn't remember. Though the memory was a little hazy and felt like something she'd seen rather than done, she could recall navigating his maze. And killing people on the way. A lot of people. So many, she was glad she'd passed out before she'd regained all her senses. Though she could certainly imagine the amount of carnage that must have surrounded her after completing the trial. It made her feel dirty down to the furthest recesses of her soul. Trembling from the guilt and helplessness she felt, Rook attempted to quiet her mind. Despite her chaotic emotions, she knew she'd do well to keep a clear head when dealing with Jacob Seed. He was too shrewd and perceptive for her to be anything but at the top her game.</p>
<p>Letting her head fall back against the bars behind her, Rook glowered at him through half-lidded eyes though she was sure that her attempt at nonchalance was undermined by the shivers that wracked her body. She didn't even know how long she'd been here but judging by the quality of the light, she guessed it was just past dawn and that Joseph's visit must have been last night. Of course, it was entirely possible that she had slept through the day after going on a rampage because it had depleted her. Either way, it had been taxing and her remaining strength was fading fast. She needed water, food and proper rest or she wouldn't stand a chance of getting out of here.</p>
<p>Licking her chapped lips, she forced herself to appear relaxed and drawled, "I'm sure it was. I'll remind you of my productivity when I've got my gun pointed at your head."</p>
<p>"Awww, honey, don't make promises you can't keep. Empty threats just expose your weakness."</p>
<p>"You're quite confident for someone who's at the top of the Militia's hit list."</p>
<p>"You're quite arrogant for someone who's cowering in my cage." Smirking, he added, "As if you didn't just slaughter your way through countless men at my command."</p>
<p>The malicious edge in his voice and the unnecessary reminder of how vulnerable he'd made her had her clenching her teeth. Rook was furious that this jackass thought he had the right to mess with minds, furious that he put human beings in cages, furious that he made innocent people kill each other to prove they measured up to his twisted sense of strength, furious that he and his brothers were terrorizing an entire county while destroying families left and right with no regard to the wreckage left in their wake. Her boundless fury at the position the Seeds had put her and every other civilian in made her lash out.</p>
<p>"You know what, Jakey," she purred so softly it was a warning in itself, "I think I'm gonna save you for last so that you'll have time to really revel in your failure to protect your brothers before I finish you off as well."</p>
<p>His eyes flashed as he took an involuntary step towards her, balling his hands into fists before he got himself back under control. It had only lasted seconds but it was enough to let her know that she'd hit him where it hurt and it put a savage smile on her lips even as his eyes darkened. Any and all amusement, however sadistic it might have been, fled his gaze, chilling her to the bone as the expression in his eyes got so flat and frigid that she was sure she'd get frostbite from being the object of his ire.</p>
<p>"Look at all that Wrath," he sneered but his inflection was mocking.</p>
<p>"An eye for an eye," Rook spat despite the fact that she could hear her pulse roaring in her ears.</p>
<p>Jacob emanated danger with a capital D and she was torn between backpedalling just to regain his approval and bristling in response.</p>
<p>"John will never be able to cleanse you of your numerous sins."</p>
<p>She scoffed. "Oh, gimme a break. Don't pretend you buy into their bullshit."</p>
<p>He raised an eyebrow, daring her to go on. "Please, enlighten me as to what I believe."</p>
<p>"Your brothers," she whispered, leaning towards him as if revealing a secret, "are psychotic. They should be locked up and I'm not talking prison cells but straightjackets, padded walls and lots of drugs." A jab at their abusive father was at the tip of her tongue but her conscience wouldn't let her go there. No child deserved to be beaten, not even those that turned into monsters themselves, so she settled for something vague. "Unsurprising, I suppose, what with your upbringing and all."</p>
<p>A beat of silence stretched like molasses between the two of them. Rook's breathing had sped up. Before his brainwashing, she'd have had no qualms about standing up to him but his meddling had created some kind of fucked up bond that came dangerously close to subjugated reverence which made her want to cower before him, desperate to gain his approval.</p>
<p>"Someone read the Book of Joseph."</p>
<p>"Know thy enemies," she said tonelessly.</p>
<p>A brief, sharp grin twisted his lips that was little more than a baring of teeth but there was something akin to approval in his eyes.</p>
<p>"But you," Rook continued, licking her lips as she regained her bearings, "you're not insane at all, are you? No, you're just a sadist with a superiority complex. I'll enjoy ridding the world of you most of all."</p>
<p>Taking another step towards the cage, he snarled, "My brothers see something in you worth saving. You know what I see? Nothing but meat--"</p>
<p>"Then why are you wasting your time with me?" she snapped, fed up with him and his games and his mindfuck and his crazy brothers and their godforsaken cult.</p>
<p>He smiled at her then. It didn't reach his eyes in the way a genuine one would - absentmindedly, Rook wondered if he ever smiled out of true happiness and what that would look like; would it replace the ever-present cruelty with warmth? Soften the harsh lines of his face? - but it contained such a twisted kind of glee that it threatened to stop her heart right then and there. Simmering unease settled in the pit of her stomach, raising goosebumps all over her body.</p>
<p>"<em>Even the weak have their purpose,</em> pup. <em>You'll learn that soon enough</em>."</p>
<p>That smile told Rook that he had something in store for her. Something she hadn't even guessed at yet. Something that went beyond unravelling her sanity and beating the will to live out of her with one act of cruelty after another.</p>
<p>Whatever plan he had for her would break her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. You Won't Die A Hero</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> vivid description of beating (group violence against one person), including bruises, black eyes, blood, broken bones and knocked out teeth</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Someone could call themselves a hero and still walk around killing dozens. Someone else could be labelled a villain for trying to stop them. Plenty of humans were monsters and plenty of monsters knew how to play at being human."</em>
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  <em>(Vicious by V.E. Schwab)</em>
</p><hr/><p>Everything hurt and Rook was dead tired but couldn't find a position that didn't make her cramp up. Even if she had been able to get comfortable, the lack of warmth would have made sleeping impossible anyway, considering that her clothes were still damp from the rude awakening she'd gotten earlier. Maybe she should have antagonized Jacob to the point of goading him into knocking her out. Then at least she'd be able to get some much-needed sleep.</p><p>With a defeated sigh, Rook rolled onto her back. Whimpers, snores and muffled cries were coming from her fellow prisoners in the cages around her as the fire merrily cackled away in the distance; a morbidly cheery sound in the midst of all the desolation. None of the prisoners had gotten anything to drink or eat and quite a few had been pushed past their breaking point already, either screaming and begging on their knees or turning catatonic. If there'd been any way to commit suicide, she was sure some of the prisoners would have taken the opportunity. The caring, law-upholding deputy in her wanted to soothe their fears, free them and avenge their suffering but Rook was just as helpless as they were. Her stomach was growling, demanding food, and she was painfully aware of how parched her throat was but she'd eat her own tongue before she'd lower herself to beg Jacob for nourishment. His Chosen, however, relished having a drink right in front of their captive audience which filled her with so much rage it made her tremble. Rook wondered if those soldiers had joined up voluntarily or had been forced through the trials as well. If it was the latter… it took a particular kind of barbarity to find amusement in suffering one had once experienced firsthand.</p><p>What did Jacob do? Amputate the area of the brain that stored compassion?</p><p>The Herald himself was surely well-fed and watered at this very moment, though Rook doubted that he was asleep already. He struck her as the kind of control freak who'd have trouble lowering his guard for any amount of time, no matter how miniscule, even for something as vital as sleeping. Though if the Book of Joseph was to be believed, he might not get much rest anyway; PTSD would gift him with nightmares and panic attacks. She pursed her lips at herself when pity rose in her at the thought.</p><p>No, screw him. Rook hoped his doubtlessly numerous sins haunted him every single night. Someone who treated other people like animals because of his own fucked up Darwinian nihilism that was encouraged by a brother with a god complex didn't deserve her compassion.</p><p>The jingling of keys made her tense, certain that the object of her musings must have decided to come pay her another visit but when she glanced towards the door, she was met with a skittish Pratt. His hands were shaking as he unlocked her cage while his head swivelled from side to side, making sure that no one was paying attention just now. Out of reflex, Rook did the same as she sat up. Jacob ran a tight ship and there were men patrolling at all hours but Pratt had picked an opportune time. While she spotted two Chosen in the distance, the immediate area surrounding the cages was clear for the moment.</p><p>"Staci," Rook whispered, "what are you doing?"</p><p>"You have to leave. Now. Jacob-- y-you need to go."</p><p>It was her nature to argue but she wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Rook hurried towards him - baring her teeth in aggravation when she felt her knees wobble from exhaustion - and slipped past him the second the door had opened wide enough. Staci relocked the cage and took her elbow, pulling her into the shadows.</p><p>"How do we get out of here? It's a fucking fortress."</p><p>"He's sending guns to John in the morning. Climb into the bed of one of the trucks and wait there. They leave at dawn."</p><p>Rook gripped his arm. "<em>We</em>. <em>We</em> get into a truck and wait."</p><p>He'd started shaking his head before she'd even finished. The putrid stench of fear was practically wafting off of him. "You have to be gone before Jacob puts you through your next trial."</p><p>"Stace--"</p><p>"Now," he said decisively, regaining the air of command she'd seen him exhibit as a deputy for just a second as he pushed her away from him towards the area where the trucks were parked. "I'm gonna create a diversion with the guards and you get your ass over there. Don't move until you're sure you're past the gate."</p><p>As he turned to leave, Rook vowed, "I'll come back for you."</p><p>Though he didn't turn around to acknowledge her promise, she saw him stop for just a second before she took cover behind some crates. Rook couldn't imagine what this must cost him. He had to know that Jacob would figure out he'd aided her escape. Whether or not she made it out of the Veteran's Center, Jacob would punish him.</p><p>Pratt engaged the nearest guards in conversation, skillfully manipulating them to face away from the trucks. Making sure to be light on her feet, Rook ran across the courtyard towards the vehicle that was parked at the end of the convoy and hoisted herself onto its bed which was covered with a tarp. She breathed a sigh of relief once she was hidden from view. It was tightly packed with crates of guns and ammunition which made it necessary to contort herself into a pretzel. The position would surely give her muscle cramps but it beat being held in a cage.</p><p>Rook had settled in for a long night and must have drifted off at some point because next thing she knew nearby voices jerked her awake, causing her heart to start hammering in her chest from disorientation due to sleep still clouding her mind before she remembered to stay immobile.</p><p>"Return immediately after dropping off the cargo."</p><p>Jacob's unmistakable drawl made her hold her breath as terror suffused her entire being. He must be very close because Rook thought she could hear him breathing. Swallowing thickly, she prayed to whatever god would listen that he didn't insist on checking said cargo.</p><p>"Yes, sir," one of the men replied before she heard footsteps, followed by the opening and closing of a door.</p><p>When the truck roared to life, Rook shakily expelled her breath and thanked her lucky stars that she remained undetected. Almost as soon as she'd relaxed, guilt overwhelmed her at the thought of Staci. She didn't even want to imagine what Jacob would do to him once he checked the cages and realized she wasn't were he'd left her. After all, no one else would have the means and motive to help her. It wouldn't take long for Jacob to put two and two together and Staci had already been badly beaten, judging by his appearance. Leaving him at the mercy of her enemy turned her stomach but she knew that being held captive alongside him wouldn't be beneficial to anyone either.</p><p>Time seemed to stretch into eternity as Rook waited for the convoy to leave the Vet Center. Though she knew she was relatively safe unless they decided to make a stop before arriving at John's ranch, the tenseness of the situation made her jittery and anxious nonetheless. She could imagine the repercussions of being discovered all too well. Once the truck started taking curves, jostling her in the process, she counted to a thousand before deciding it was safe to risk a peek.</p><p>The cold bit through Rook's clothing as she slowly lifted the tarp and stuck her head out far enough to look beyond the truck's side panels. Just as quickly as she'd emerged, she ducked back under. Behind her was another truck. Rook cursed under her breath. Apparently another vehicle had joined the procession which made escaping all the more challenging. As she took a few deep breaths to calm her racing heart and subdue her rising panic, she wondered how to best pull a disappearing act before she slowly exhaled and rubbed her tired eyes.</p><p>Envisioning the road ahead of her, Rook tried to pinpoint the best spot for flinging herself off the vehicle. Jumping during a curve might be advantageous to help her reach the treeline as quickly as possible though the possibility of accidentally facehugging a tree was a bit worrisome. There was a spot just before leaving the Whitetails that would allow her to run through the underbrush towards a trail that she knew would put her back on track to the Wolf's Den. However, it would mean that she'd have to hike for at least another day to make it back. An entire day out in the wild without any supplies and no means to contact Eli. Plus, it would increase the chances of being recaptured by Jacob since he knew the mountain trails like the back of his hand. If she jumped sooner, she'd have to retrace the path towards the Vet Center before heading towards the Militia. Rook was sure that the chances of getting away undetected would be slim to none and the soldiers were sure to alert the red-headed devil immediately which meant he'd send out more of his Chosen who'd be on a direct collision course with her. Remaining in the truck until she'd reached the Valley briefly crossed her mind. She might be able to make it to Nick's but she'd be out in the open, in plain sight, while making her escape which would reduce her chances of success by making her a moving target.</p><p>"Fuck me," Rook muttered to herself.</p><p>The Wolf's Den it was.</p><p>Rook was already running on fumes so having to hike through the wilderness would sap her remaining strength but evading Jacob was paramount. Steeling herself, she covertly parted the tarp at the side of the truck which allowed her to keep track of her location while it hopefully also kept her hidden from the men in the car behind her. As the spot she'd picked drew nearer, she shifted into a crouch and began to undo the laces that connected the tarp to the vehicle. Aside from the jump itself, the moments just before would leave her the most vulnerable as there was no way to avoid being seen. Whether or not she'd even make it into the forest would depend on how quickly Jacob's men reacted to seeing their enemy number one. Rook kept her fingers crossed that none of them would put a bullet in her before she'd made it.</p><p>Rook felt decidedly queasy as she flipped back the tarp and climbed over the side. Balancing on the tire arch, she determinedly ignored the alarmed shouts and focused on timing her jump just right. As the truck took a right bend, she flung herself off the moving vehicle.</p><hr/><p>After watching his men leave to head towards the ranch at the asscrack of dawn, the rest of Jacob's morning was spent planning the Project's next course of action against the pesky Resistance and Palmer's annoying band of amateurs. His lips curled at the mere thought of the Militia. Only the knowledge that they would be dealt with soon enough managed to calm his ire. Patience was a virtue, as Joe liked to remind him, and it would be all the more satisfying to see his labor come to fruition in due time.</p><p>He thought of Rook and her expression when he'd last seen her. Seeing abject terror creep into her eyes when she'd clearly began to dread the possibilities of what he had in store for her had been a fitting punishment for her mocking remarks about him and his brothers. The nerve of the little chit to talk back to him when she was completely at his mercy still enraged him but knowing that she was wasting away in his cage right now was enough to temper his anger.</p><p>She'd learn. They always did.</p><p>Jacob was certain that he could speed up the process if Joe would only give him permission but his brother remained steadfast in his belief about the role Rook had to play.</p><p>Joseph's words echoed through Jacob's mind every time she tested him.</p><p>"Trust me on this, Jacob. Our little lamb is too important to sacrifice."</p><p>Even now, Jacob bristled. <em>Our</em>. Something about that didn't sit right with him. Joseph had hardly spent any time in Rook's vicinity. To hear him put such a claim on her bothered him.</p><p>A timid knock on the door alerted him to Pratt's presence. At first, Jacob hardly paid him any mind, as per usual, having become used to the former deputy following him around like a kicked puppy but it didn't take long for him to glance up. Pratt kept shifting from foot to foot and while his eyes were steadfastly aimed at the ground, his gaze kept darting wildly from side to side. Leaning back in his chair, Jacob's attention zeroed in on the other man, making his fidgeting worse.</p><p>"Talk, peaches."</p><p>"The F-Father has requested your presence, s-sir."</p><p>Jacob hummed, still eyeing Pratt. He doubted that was all it was but he couldn't pinpoint the cause of his obvious aggravation. Maybe his Chosen had harassed Pratt and that was why he was especially skittish today.</p><p>"Let's go check in on your little friend, then," Jacob announced, getting up.</p><p>Pratt responded with a choked noise before he caught himself and fell silent, causing Jacob to narrow his eyes at him. He could taste the fear coming off of the man. Putting two and two together, he deduced it must have something to do with Rook.</p><p>"Whatever it is, you better tell me now," he warned quietly.</p><p>His audible gulp made Jacob snarl as unease crept up on him. Not losing any more time, he marched through the Vet Center, headed straight for the prisoners. Finding an empty cage where Rook should have been made him see red. With clenched fists and rage coursing through him, Jacob turned on Pratt who'd dutifully followed him, albeit at a distance. Grabbing the pitiful excuse for a man by the collar, he lifted him until he was balancing on his tiptoes.</p><p>"Where the fuck is she?"</p><p>"I d-don't know," he choked out.</p><p>"Bullshit. What did you do, peaches?"</p><p>All he got in response were whimpers. Pratt was wide-eyed and looked like he was about to cry.</p><p>"Talk!" he roared. "You helped her, didn't you?"</p><p>Finally, Pratt nodded as the first tear rolled down his cheek.</p><p>"Where did she go?"</p><p>"T-truck."</p><p>Fucking hell! She'd escaped right under his nose, hitching a ride straight out of his compound. Jacob had never felt so blindsided in his entire life, having been played for a fool not only by Rook but also by Pratt. He should have considered that the little fucker might just have enough courage left to be stupid enough to help his friend. It was his fault for assuming he'd crushed his balls for good.</p><p>He'd just grabbed the radio clipped to his belt to let his men know they carried unauthorized cargo when he received a message.</p><p>"Brother Jacob! The Deputy escaped, she--"</p><p>"Where the fuck is she?"</p><p>"Jumped right off the truck, we are on her trail. Over."</p><p>"Bring her back here," he growled.</p><p>"Affirmative, sir. Over."</p><p>Switching the channel, Jacob barked orders at his men to form hunting parties and file out into the Whitetails on either side of the road. If Rook had fled into the forest, her best bet was to find her way back to the Militia since she'd never make it to the Valley or the Henbane in the state she was in.</p><p>"Oh, you're gonna regret this, peaches," he spat, clipping the radio back to his belt. "I can promise you that. You better pray my men catch her or there'll be hell to pay."</p><hr/><p>Rook attempted to minimize the impact of her dive by tucking and rolling but she hit the ground hard and her knees almost gave out when she attempted to straighten up. Survival instinct made her scramble onwards into the bushes at the edge of the road, forcing herself into a run even though she'd scraped her knee when she'd landed which gave her a slight limp. Wincing, Rook bit her lip to smother her whimpers as the sound of screeching tires sounded from behind her, telling her that her ride had noticed her escape. Though her blood was rushing in her ears, which made it impossible to actually hear what they were shouting at each other, she was certain that it must be orders to take up the chase. Rook thanked whatever god was on her side that there had been no Judges in the trucks. The last thing she needed right now were Jacob's bloody pets hot on her heels.</p><p>Tearing through the forest, she took every chance she got to take cover and change her path without abandoning her general direction. Any second, she expected to be hit with a bullet and if it hadn't been for the adrenaline coursing through her veins, Rook probably would have collapsed already. She could still hear them and her limp was slowing her down so she searched for a place to hide until they gave up. Due to the sparse landscape, there wasn't much to work with. In a fit of desperation that was fueled by the sounds of footsteps coming her way, she mobilized all her reserves to jump off a log in order to reach the low-hanging branch of a fir tree. Dangling from it, Rook swung herself upwards until she was able to clamp her legs around it. Grunting and sweating from the effort, she shifted into a sitting position before inching towards the trunk and scaling it far enough to be out of sight. Hopefully, she wasn't too visible from the ground should someone think to look up.</p><p>When the Chosen came into sight, Rook kept one arm around the tree trunk to anchor her and covered her mouth with the other while she fought the urge to screw her eyes shut. Focusing on her breathing, she listened to the stomping of their feet as twigs broke beneath them and the guy in charge barked the occasional command. Despite the cold, fear made her perspire as they passed beneath the tree she was perched on. Every single muscle in Rook's body was aching and quivering from the ordeal of the past few days but she didn't dare get down yet. Better to wait until they'd circled back before making her way towards the Militia.</p><p>It felt like ages before they returned and when they headed back towards their trucks, her relief was so profound that she inadvertently relaxed to such a degree that her body went limp which caused her to almost topple out of the tree.</p><p>Wouldn't that have been a perfect ending to a crappy day, breaking her neck just when the coast was finally clear?</p><p>The trek back to the Wolf's Den was a blur; thirst and starvation made Rook delirious. All she knew was that she crawled more than walked. She couldn't have said how long she'd been on her feet when blurry figures appeared in her line of sight. Assuming it was Jacob and his men, she picked up a thick stick and readied herself to use it like a baseball bat when a soothingly familiar voice called her name.</p><p>"Eli?" Rook muttered, disbelief thickening her voice.</p><p>He approached her slowly, holding his hands up, palms facing towards her.</p><p>"Put it down, Rook," he murmured, stepping closer. "It's alright. We'll take you home."</p><p>Letting the makeshift weapon drop from her suddenly weak grip, Rook stumbled towards him and probably would have faceplanted if he hadn't caught her around the waist. To her eternal embarrassment, tears sprung into her eyes as she grabbed his jacket and hid her face against his chest.</p><p>"Shhh, sweetheart. It's okay. I got you."</p><hr/><p>"Brother Jacob?"</p><p>"Report."</p><p>His Chosen at the other end of the radio nervously cleared his throat, clueing Jacob in to what would follow before he'd even said the words.</p><p>"The Sinner has evaded us. Over."</p><p>Involuntarily, Jacob's hand around the radio clenched, making the plastic exterior creak ominously. After a deep breath, he said, "Proceed to the Valley, then get back here posthaste."</p><p>"Affirmative. Over."</p><p>Flinging the radio away from him onto the desk, Jacob's eyes went to Pratt who'd tensed while listening to the exchange. His Adam's apple bobbed as he visibly paled. After a couple of minutes, the loaded silence unnerved Pratt enough to lift his gaze so he could meet Jacob's.</p><p>The Soldier bared his teeth in a smile that was anything but pleasant. "Outside."</p><p>Like the doormat he'd been reduced to, Pratt stumbled down the stairs ahead of Jacob despite the obvious fear that made him tremble, causing him to trip over his own feet in his haste to obey. Jacob was just as tense but for entirely different reasons; he was having trouble keeping his anger leashed. How he longed to wrap his hands around Pratt's throat to squeeze the life out of him. Nothing would please him more than watching the light leave his pathetic eyes but he reminded himself that Pratt was a tool he still had some use for. Rook was bound to come back for him, bleeding heart that she was, and Jacob would seize the opportunity when she did because he knew that she'd probably avoid entering his territory at all if he didn't have something important to dangle in front of her nose.</p><p>As they entered the courtyard, Jacob whistled for his newest soldiers, who hadn't joined his hunting parties to catch his runaway pup, to come closer. They'd all heard what had happened and their expressions when eyeing Pratt ranged from neutral and angry to disgusted. The tension permeating the air was palpable.</p><p>"Soldiers," Jacob drawled as they formed a ring around him and Pratt, "peaches here decided to play hero by helping Deputy Rook escape. Let's show him how we deal with traitors, shall we?"</p><p>Giving them the go ahead was like unleashing a pack of his most vicious Judges on a helpless little bunny. They didn't need any more convincing to begin tearing him to pieces. Jacob stood back and watched as the first punch made contact with the side of Pratt's mouth, making his head snap to the side as he spat blood.</p><p>"Fight back," Jacob ordered, observing closely to see how much bravado Pratt had left.</p><p>He needed to know what to expect in the future and couldn't risk to be blindsided again if he'd somehow grown a permanent backbone. But his fears seemed to be unfounded since Pratt only lifted his arms to shield himself from the blows and kicks that reigned down on him. Weak but with the potential to throw a wrench in his plans when it involved his friends… or maybe it was just Rook in particular that inspired the dying embers of disobedience to reignite.</p><p>As his men beat Pratt to a pulp, Jacob couldn't help but compare him to Rook. Pratt wasn't even attempting to put up a fight. It was pitiful, really, to see someone exhibit so much weakness. His girl would have fought tooth and nail had she been in the same situation. Would she have gotten away scot free against a group of his men? Of course not. But Jacob had assessed her ever since she'd first made herself known as an adversary. Not only had he kept tracks on her while she'd wreaked havoc on the Project's outposts in his siblings' territories but he'd paid even closer attention during her trials. What he did know was that she was inventive and possessed the iron will to succeed and survive by any means necessary. Add to that the ruthlessness Jacob had bred into her and she was a force to be reckoned with no matter how unfavorable the circumstances she found herself in. Whether or not she'd best a group of his Chosen in close combat was anyone's guess but he knew she'd be a worthy opponent who would never even consider cowering like a little bitch while begging for mercy the way Pratt was currently doing.</p><p>Jacob was witnessing the affirmation of his philosophy in real time. There was no place for the weak in their world except to fulfill their purpose as tools for something greater which was exactly what he planned to do with Deputy Pratt.</p><p>Once Pratt was barely hanging on to consciousness after a particularly brutal blow to the head, Jacob motioned for his men to back off and stepped closer to evaluate the damage. Pratt's lip had split open and a few teeth had been knocked out. His nose was bleeding and obviously broken, sitting at a crooked angle. Jacob could already see black eyes forming and his cheekbone looked bruised if not fractured. Judging by his labored breathing and the fetal position he'd curled up in, he guessed the kicks and punches had broken a few of his ribs.</p><p>Crouching down in front of the beaten man, Jacob murmured, "Are you sweet on her, peaches? Is that why you helped her?"</p><p>A gurgle that caused more blood to seep out of his mouth was Pratt's only response, causing Jacob to chuckle. "I hope it was worth it." Jutting his chin towards the cages, he ordered, "Take him out of my sight."</p><p>As he watched two of his Chosen grab Pratt under his armpits to drag him away, he thought that his real punishment hadn't even begun yet. Before too long, Pratt would serve his purpose by becoming the catalyst for Rook's downfall.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. I Still Have Hope For You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> classical conditioning, operant conditioning</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>"But the worst kind of monster was the burrowing kind. The sort that crawled into you and made a home there. The sort you couldn't name, the sort you couldn't see. The monster that ate you alive from the inside out."</em><br/>
<em>(Through The Woods by Emily Carroll)</em>
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<hr/><p>The first thing Rook registered when she woke up was that she was warm and comfortable, cocooned in blankets. Beyond her immediate awareness, the hum of conversation lent a soothing backdrop that encouraged drowsiness. The oddity of it, however, made her shoot up in bed and promptly made her wince when her body protested the abrupt movement. Nonetheless, her hand automatically went for her gun only to find it missing. In a whirl of memory, the events of the past few days came back as Rook assessed her location.</p><p>The walls were bare and painted a nondescript gray and there wasn't much furniture in the room except for a couple of bunk beds, nightstands and shelves lining the walls that were filled with supplies. Once the vestiges of sleep had left, she recognized it as one of the rooms at the Wolf's Den she'd stayed in before.</p><p>Rook fumbled for the water bottle that had been left on the nightstand next to her bed and took greedy gulps, causing some of it to leak out of the corners of her mouth. After emptying the bottle, she swung her legs off the bed and stood up before instantly plopping back down when her vision turned black and nausea threatened to make her throw up the liquid she'd just consumed. Once she'd taken a couple of deep breaths to settle her stomach, she slowly got back up again. When she was sure that she was steady on her feet, she shuffled towards the door and the murmur of voices.</p><p>The Militia was as busy as ever. Members were hurrying to and fro within the cramped confines of the underground bunker. Some of them spared her a quick nod but she was all too aware of the wary glances she garnered which only served to make her recall how spectacularly the deprogramming had failed as she went in search of their leader. Rook kept her chin up regardless.</p><p>Unsurprisingly, Eli was in the command center, brooding over maps and surveillance monitors. There were deep furrows marring the space between his brows and dark circles beneath his blood-shot eyes. When she knocked on the doorframe, he glanced up. Though it was difficult to tell if he was smiling from this distance due to his bushy beard, his expression softened ever so slightly, enhancing the pronounced crow's feet at the corners of his eyes.</p><p>"Reporting for duty," Rook croaked.</p><p>Eli raised an eyebrow as he pulled out a folding chair. "Sit your ass down. You look like death warmed over."</p><p>"Ouch. You're gonna hurt my feelings, Palmer."</p><p>Hobbling towards him, she sank into the chair and pulled her legs up as Eli settled a blanket around her shoulders.</p><p>"How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Like crap on toast."</p><p>He handed her a flask filled with instant coffee which she gratefully accepted. A few minutes went by in silence as Rook stared unseeingly at the row of monitors while taking sip after sip, letting the hot beverage warm her from the inside.</p><p>Frowning, she said, "I don't remember how I got here." Her voice quivered ever so slightly as the possible reason behind that spread terror through her entire being. What if she'd hurt anyone from the Militia?</p><p>"We picked you up," Eli said slowly.</p><p>"You did?"</p><p>"Yeah, don't you remember? You threatened to bash my head in with a stick."</p><p>"I thought I dreamed that."</p><p>"You often dream of abusing me?"</p><p>Rook didn't grace that with an answer and shot him a reproachful look instead.</p><p>"If you hadn't been delirious, I would've been worried."</p><p>She scoffed. "You're twice my size."</p><p>"You're scrappy," he deadpanned. "You've proven that time and time again. I wouldn't dare underestimate you."</p><p>"Thanks for the vote of confidence. How did you find me?"</p><p>He jutted his chin towards the monitors. "Wheaty saw you stumbling through the woods and we figured we better lend a hand."</p><p>"Right."</p><p>She opened her mouth to broach the subject of her failure when her stomach grumbled like an ill-tempered, ravenous bear.</p><p>"Wait here. I'll get you something to eat."</p><p>He'd barely left when Liv, the Militia's medic, walked past the door and backtracked when she saw its occupant. Leaning against the doorframe, she gave Rook a small wave. "Hey, Dep. How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Just peachy."</p><p>"You look it."</p><p>"Fuck you."</p><p>Liv grinned. "That's the spirit. Anything you want me to look at? I checked you over when they brought you in but didn't see anything that needed immediate attention except for nourishment."</p><p>"Nah, I'm good. Looks worse than it is."</p><p>"Uh-huh. No offence, Dep, but I don't trust your judgement." As she moved to the side so Eli could pass her with plate in hand, Liv gave Rook a poignant look. "I'll check in on you later."</p><p>Rook hadn't fully realized just how starved she was but once the scent of food wafted towards her, she felt half-crazed with hunger. A steaming plate of overcooked pasta was set in front of her and she silently thanked him for having had the forethought to stock plenty of non-perishables in his bunker as she began to shovel food into her mouth like some kind of uncivilized savage. In her hurry, she almost choked several times.</p><p>Once she'd finished off most of the plate, her single-minded focus shifted enough that she became aware of muffled chuckling. Looking up from under her lashes, Rook found Eli propped against the table with a hand covering the lower half of his face as he watched her. She made some kind of questioning sound through a mouthful of pasta.</p><p>"That's a very attractive picture you make."</p><p>"Fuck you," she spat after she'd swallowed which only caused him to guffaw openly.</p><p>He patted her head. She'd have swatted at him if her hands hadn't been full. Deciding that food was more important than annoying comrades-in-arms, she chose to ignore him until she'd polished off her plate.</p><p>"Better?"</p><p>Rook nodded. If she were honest, she felt a little nauseous from gorging herself after having been deprived of nourishment for so long but she would never admit it out loud.</p><p>Sighing, she confessed, "I failed."</p><p>"What are you--"</p><p>"The deprogramming didn't work. Jacob got me to murder who knows how many people. I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't-- I didn't know h-how--"</p><p>"Rook."</p><p>"I couldn't keep calm!" she cried, covering her face with her hands as hot tears spilled down her cheeks. "I tried! I swear I did, but I couldn't focus!"</p><p>"Rook--"</p><p>"You should have never let me back in here! It's not safe!"</p><p>"One thing we agree on," Tammy chimed in as she entered the room.</p><p>"Be quiet," Eli snapped at her.</p><p>"Why? It's the truth. She's a safety risk."</p><p>"It's not her fault."</p><p>"As if that'll matter when she slaughters us all in our sleep! We'll still be dead!"</p><p>"Leave us."</p><p>"She's Jacob's pet project--"</p><p>"Tammy! Enough."</p><p>With a huff, she retreated, leaving the two of them alone, though Rook was sure she hadn't seen the last of her and her objections, judging by how she stomped out of the room, slamming doors in her wake.</p><p>"Wow, she really doesn't like me, does she?"</p><p>"It's not that--"</p><p>"She's right though. Jacob's got his claws in me and we still don't know what his agenda is and--"</p><p>"Rook," he said, kneeling before her.</p><p>"I let you down."</p><p>"Sweetheart--"</p><p>"Uh-oh," Rook interjected hoarsely, "I know things are dire when you start using pet names."</p><p>"Will you shut up? You could never let anyone in the Resistance down; least of all me. We might not openly acknowledge it as often as we should but everyone fighting the Seeds appreciates all you've done. Jacob-- Jacob Seed has perfected his brand of brainwashing over many years. It's not your fault that the deprogramming didn't take the first time. I told you that was a possibility. We'll try again and then we'll put a bullet in that bastard's head." Her gaze had dropped to the floor during that little speech, uncomfortable with this normally gruff mountain of a man being so emotionally frank, but Eli grabbed her chin to make her look at him. "You hear me?"</p><p>"Yeah," she answered soundlessly.</p><p>"You do, however, need a shower," he said after a short pause. "You reek."</p><p>"Gee, thanks," she muttered as she dried her face with the sleeves of her dirty shirt. "You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't'cha?"</p><p>After getting a change of clean - if a bit threadbare - clothes, she entered the bathroom and was shocked when she caught sight of her reflection. Her cheekbones were more pronounced than ever and the shadows beneath her eyes looked bruised while her lips were so chapped they were bleeding in places and her hair might as well be doubling as a nest for birds. Rook really did look like death warmed over.</p><p>"Shit," she sighed.</p><p>Jacob had done quite a number on her. It wasn't hard to imagine what a fright she must have given Wheaty when he'd spotted her on the surveillance. Rook didn't doubt that they'd come and gotten her out of concern but they also must have been scared of her leaving a trail that would lead Jacob right to their doorstep. She really couldn't blame Tammy for her insistence on kicking her out. She, better than anyone, knew that she couldn't trust her own mind until she'd managed to shake off the conditioning.</p><p>But first things first.</p><p>Her mouth tasted as if something had died in it. Though there weren't any spare toothbrushes, Rook made do by rubbing toothpaste onto her teeth and tongue with her finger just to get rid of that awful taste. A slew of curses and squeaks later, she'd combed through the worst of the tangled mess on top of her head and was ready to take a shower. Once she'd wiggled out of her clothes that could stand up on their own by now, she took stock of the damage. The first thing she noticed was that her knee was bandaged. The white gauze seemed especially stark against the colorful backdrop of her mottled skin. Eli's doing, no doubt. If Hope County ever returned to normal, she'd have to buy that man some topshelf liquor as a thank you for having patched her up more times than she could count. Rook's body looked no less of a mess than her face. The majority of her skin was a patchwork of bruises in various stages of healing, interspersed with cuts and scrapes that had scabbed over. It looked as though someone had thrown buckets of paint at her. Luckily, she hadn't sustained any lasting injury - yet - so it looked worse than it was.</p><p>Even though the shower was only tepid, it felt like the most luxurious thing in the world. She resisted the urge to stay under the spray longer than necessary since she knew resources were scarce and she didn't want to exploit her hosts' generosity. Being clean for the first time in a long time lifted her spirits considerably.</p><p>"Alright," Rook announced, clapping her hands as she re-entered the command center with still damp hair about fifteen minutes later, "I'm ready for round two."</p><p>Eli gave her a dubious look fraught with concern that she impatiently waved off.</p><p>"C'mon, no time like the present."</p><p>Despite her bravado, fear of going on another rampage made Rook jittery as she followed him into a room that was bare except for a chair sporting leather cuffs and a record player with a vinyl she knew all too well. Not waiting to be told, she took a seat and closed her eyes as she went through some breathing exercises Eli had shown her the first time around to center herself. Rook's hands were resting on top of the chair's arms but despite her forced calm, her heart was pounding and she was scratching the wooden surface with her nails in response to that</p><p>"You need to relax," Eli commented as he fastened the restraints on her wrists and ankles. "Keeping calm is your weapon against the conditioning."</p><p>"Easier said than done."</p><p>"You beat it the first time around--"</p><p>"Yeah and instantly failed when subjected to the real thing!"</p><p>"The point is that you can do it."</p><p>"I'm not so sure about that."</p><p>"Well, get sure," he snapped. "We can't afford you to remain Jacob's puppet."</p><p>She glared at him. "You think I don't know that? It's not like I chose being brainwashed by that maniac!"</p><p>"Stop wallowing in self-pity and get your fucking priorities straight! If you're convinced you'll fail, there's no point in even trying."</p><p>For a couple of minutes, silence reigned and the tension gradually became unbearable as they stared each other down.</p><p>"You'd make a good drill sergeant."</p><p>"Tough love works best with you."</p><p>"That so?" Rook huffed, miffed at his presumption of having her all figured out.</p><p>"Yes. Now focus."</p><p>She swallowed thickly, closed her eyes and commanded her body to relax, muscle by muscle. Meditation had never been her thing because she couldn't seem to quiet her mind which was why she treated this as an exercise in control rather than one of letting go. During the last round of deprogramming, Rook had conjured an image of a serene beach where the waves gently lapped the shore so, once again, she recalled standing barefoot on moist sand under a warm sun while the air smelled of salt, seagulls cried overhead and the water tickled her bare toes every now and then.</p><p>She felt boneless; as if she was floating weightlessly in the air.</p><p>Then the record player started and before the first words had even been sung, Rook crashed back into herself as the scent of smoke coupled with something musky she couldn't readily identify replaced salty ocean air. The serene birdsong was drowned out by a low baritone that echoed through the caverns of her mind which simultaneously caused her to break out in goosebumps and start to sweat as the crushing compulsion of a bone-deep need to obey settled in her gut, making her restless. Seconds before she blacked out, a familiar haze began to tinge her vision red.</p><p>When Rook came to, her wrists hurt from having struggled against her restraints and her previously clean shirt was sticking to her sweaty skin. Her heart was pounding so hard that she felt her heartbeat in her throat as she waited for her blurry vision to clear. The only sound disturbing the blessed silence was her harsh breathing; she was aware enough to know that there was nothing else besides that and yet echoes of Jacob's commands were drifting through her mind, coiling around her thoughts, twisting her instincts into something sinister.</p><p>"His voice," Rook whispered as a shiver wracked her body.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I can hear his voice in my head, Eli. Whatever the fuck he did to me is not just classical conditioning. It can't be. It's--"</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"He's-- And his-- I don't-- I can't--"</p><p>"Rook--"</p><p>"Get his fucking voice out of my head!" she screeched, knowing full well that she was hysterical but unable to do anything about it.</p><p>"Sweetheart, I need you to breathe. In and out. Nice and steady. That's it."</p><p>"I c-c-can't do this."</p><p>"Yes, you can. Breathe."</p><p>Rook concentrated all her energy on Eli and his pleasant voice, using him as an anchor to pull her back from the edge of madness she was teetering on.</p><p>"You're awfully bossy, you know that?" she commented after a while.</p><p>Smiling, he wiped the tears from her cheeks. "So I've been told."</p><p>Rook sighed heavily before squaring her shoulders. "Alright. I've got an idea. Play it again."</p><p>"You sure you don't want to take a break?"</p><p>"Play the damn song, Palmer. Just give me five minutes to focus beforehand."</p><p>"Now who's being bossy?"</p><p>Since her attempts to use ocean imagery hadn't worked, Rook decided to try the opposite. She apparently associated the Soldier with fire so instead of allowing that to derail her meditation, she deliberately placed herself back in the cage, focusing on the barrel outside of it that had been repurposed as a fire pit. Recalling the sounds of cackling flames and the unmistakable scent of smoke, she envisioned the shifting depths of a fire with all its vivid colors and allowed it to lull her into a drowsy state of mind even as her memory superimposed Jacob's voice over it. A creeping sense of dread crawled up her spine but she forced it down and paid attention to how deep and soothing his voice was when she ignored his taunts.</p><p>Then the song started playing and Rook lost herself all over again but she had felt just a little more lucid during the whole ordeal. Still unable to control what she did or didn't do but it took a little less time to recollect herself afterwards.</p><p>"I think I'm onto something," she croaked in between panting breaths. "Keep going."</p><p>For the next few weeks, Rook's world narrowed down to repetitions of Jacob's voice, <em>Only You</em> and flames.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It is possible to reverse classical conditioning which is called <b>Extinction</b>. To undo it, we need to stop the conditioned response from being triggered when presented with the conditioned stimulus so we need to break the association between the stimuli.</p><p> <a href="https://www.psychestudy.com/behavioral/learning-memory/classical-conditioning/principles">For instance, if Pavlov had started to stop presenting the dog with food following the bell-sound on numerous occasions, it would gradually stop salivating in response to the sound. Initially, the dog would continue to salivate but within due time, it would realise that no food is forthcoming. The lack of reinforcement would break the association.</a></p><p>But if you've been subjected to classical conditioning, it is highly likely you'll experience <b>Spontaneous Recoveries</b>. The conditioned response can reappear even after the link between neutral/conditioned stimulus and unconditioned stimulus has been broken.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. There's No Win For You Here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> talk of character death, actual character death, dissociation as trauma response, classical conditioning, self harm (cutting), murder</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"People who have monsters recognize each other. They know each other without even saying a word."</em>
  <br/>
  <em>(Last Night I Sang To The Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz)</em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>For the first time in a long time, Rook was in a good mood. About two months had passed since she'd escaped the Vet Center and, with the help of Eli's reassuring presence, her ability to control herself under the onslaught of <em>Only You</em> had grown with each day to the point where she felt it was as good as it was going to get. On top of that, she'd just killed Faith Seed and the euphoria of having liberated the Henbane from Faith's mind-altering presence infused her with reckless energy. Taking out the radio Eli had pushed into her hand before she'd left the Wolf's Den, she selected a frequency she hadn't accessed since before her capture.</p>
<p>"One down, three to go," Rook crooned.</p>
<p>It wasn't long before the radio cackled to life.</p>
<p>"Deputy," John Seed drawled. "Are you finally ready to confess?"</p>
<p>A victorious smile stretched across Rook's lips as she listened to the youngest Seed's clipped enunciation. She could tell that he was barely holding onto his veneer of civility.</p>
<p>"Awww, Johnny, you know better than that. Lawyering 101: never ask a question you don't know the answer to."</p>
<p>There was a shuddering inhale. "Don't worry, my dear, I will make you see the error of your ways and help you atone for your sins. And you are guilty of so many, little Miss Wrath."</p>
<p>That silver-tongued smoothness she'd come to associate with him was still present but she could practically taste his anger. The underlying hostility should have frightened her, perhaps, but though she didn't doubt he'd make good on his threat should he get his hands on her, John had nothing on his big brother; his method of torture had lost its terror after having been subjected to Jacob's conditioning. Rook had since learned that having her mind messed with was infinitely worse than enduring physical torture. While the words John had carved into her breastbone would remain as a permanent reminder of what she'd lived through should she make it out of this alive, she viewed them as battle scars more than anything else; the mark of a survivor rather than a victim. Ironically, the Seeds would probably agree with her on that, considering the abuse they'd experienced as children.</p>
<p>Rook was tempted to rile John up a bit more while waiting for Jacob to chime in. Maybe she'd be able to goad John into doing something rash that would allow the Resistance to storm Seed Ranch but her musings were interrupted by an all too familiar voice.</p>
<p>"And here I thought you'd learned what your true purpose is by now."</p>
<p>Balling her hands into fists as an unwelcome but pleasurable shiver rushed up her spine, Rook took a deep breath.</p>
<p>"My true purpose," she said, "is taking out your family one by one."</p>
<p>"You insolent--" John spat.</p>
<p>"I've got this, John," Jacob said before addressing her again. "You haven't taken out my family."</p>
<p>"I'm just getting started. Call this a dress rehearsal if you will."</p>
<p>"Feeling proud of yourself, pup?"</p>
<p>"Quite," she snapped, annoyed that he remained as stoic as ever. "But you don't sound all that upset."</p>
<p>"And you're qualified to be the judge of that?"</p>
<p>"Sure am. Your habit of keeping your enemies close made sure of that."</p>
<p>"You think you're very clever, don't you, honey?"</p>
<p>"Maybe your unusual composure in the face of grief is due to the fact that you never really considered your adopted sister family" Rook said as sweetly as she could. "You better be careful, Jakey, we don't want your little followers to figure out that you and your brothers don't really give a fuck about them, now do we? That would make the Father's whole spiel implode and Joseph might never forgive you for that."</p>
<p>"Are you done?"</p>
<p>His voice remained even and she was rapidly graduating from annoyed to unsettled that he wasn't rising to her taunts which not only dampened her smugness quite a bit but also made her wary. Rook had counted on the fact that taking out a member of his family would crack his usually impenetrable façade because it meant he'd failed in his role as the cult's protector.</p>
<p>"I hope running from me like a coward was worth it," he drawled. There was a goading quality to his voice that set off alarm bells in her head. "Peaches sure as hell reaped the rewards but you must have known that would be the case."</p>
<p>Staci. Shit.</p>
<p>"What did you do to him?"</p>
<p>"Why don't you stop by and find out?"</p>
<p>Rook scoffed. "Sure, I'll just drop by for a cup of coffee and we can have a little heart to heart."</p>
<p>"<em>You managed to escape for a little bit</em>, pup, <em>but whenever I want, I can have you back here with me.</em>" Swallowing thickly, Rook opened her mouth to give a scathing retort when he continued. "<em>But you've got time to play your little games. I'll let you know when it's time to come home</em>."</p>
<p>Home. Had she gravely miscalculated when it came to judging Jacob's sanity? He couldn't possibly believe that to be true. Her thoughts were interrupted when he began to sing.</p>
<p>"<em>Only youuuu…</em>"</p>
<p>Jacob's voice coupled with the melody and words raised goosebumps all over her body and, involuntarily, her breath quickened as her heart sped up in tandem. It felt as if her very being was being squeezed to a pulp under his oppressive thumb but, simultaneously, there was a swooping sensation in her belly. Rook hastily turned off the radio but any euphoria she might have felt before had suddenly been replaced with a deep, all-encompassing coldness.</p>
<p>While she'd been busy helping the Resistance reclaim the Henbane, her thoughts had been consumed with plans on how to free Hudson and Pratt. She couldn't excuse basking in the much needed victory any longer since getting her fellow deputies away from John and Jacob had to be top priority now. Thinking about what was being done to them while she was free made her shudder.</p>
<p>Rook had been debating back and forth on who to rescue first.</p>
<p>On the one hand, she didn't doubt for a second that Staci would be permanently damaged from having been exposed to Jacob for so long so the sooner she could get him out of the Whitetails, the better. Plus, he'd helped her escape and the guilt of knowing that he'd been subjected to even more suffering because of her weighed heavily on her mind. On the other hand, she was convinced that it would be easier and quicker to take on John but then Jacob would know for sure that she'd be coming for Staci next so, from a tactical standpoint, wouldn't it be wiser to attack Jacob first?</p>
<p>If Rook was being honest with herself, the reason why she couldn't decide on one course of action over the other was that Jacob had morphed into a kind of bogeyman that corrupted her mind and haunted her nightmares. She wasn't exactly looking forward to re-entering his domain. But delaying the inevitable would only increase her anxiety and she'd be of no use to anyone if it ended up rendering her incapable of keeping her mind in the game and she knew that Eli and his Militia were in desperate need of assistance because they were slowly but surely losing ground.</p>
<p>But most importantly: facing Jacob was the only way to make sure that Rook had overcome his conditioning for good this time.</p>
<p>Her thoughts skipped to Tammy. She'd told her just before she'd left the bunker that she shouldn't bother coming back until she'd become immune to the song and had managed to kill Jacob. And she was right. Rook knew she was. It wasn't fair to risk their lives as long as this sword of Damocles still hung over her head.</p>
<p>"The Whitetails it is, then," Rook muttered.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Everyone in position?"</p>
<p>Whitehorse's voice sounded tinny over the radio and way too loud for the circumstances Rook found herself in. Hiding behind the sparse vegetation in view of the Veteran's Center was making her paranoid and every additional sound or movement was enough to make her wince because she feared it might give her and her team away. Resistance members were scattered in groups around the perimeter, waiting for the go ahead while the Militia were perched on trees and hills, providing cover with their sniper rifles.</p>
<p>She waited for responses from the other teams before she lifted her radio to her lips.</p>
<p>"Affirmative," Rook said quietly, praying that the cult hadn't intercepted this channel yet.</p>
<p>Communication had been switched to a new one just this morning to avoid having anyone unwanted listening in since the entire plan hinged on the surprise factor. A coordinated attack wouldn't do shit if they knew they were coming but - so far - the Chosen had patrolled the way she'd expected and there had been no unusual activity in the cult's communication which Wheaty had managed to hack into. Everything seemed to be primed for a successful operation but doubt kept eating away at her, undermining her confidence. It would be just like Jacob to think five steps ahead while purposely giving his opponents a false sense of security. Since Rook had no concrete evidence of anything to that effect, though, she chalked it up to nerves.</p>
<p>"Go!"</p>
<p>As planned, everyone approached slowly while Sharky and Hurk Jr unleashed their fire power in the form of smoke grenades on the compound. Mayhem erupted almost instantly. Outfitted with infrared goggles, Rook could see Chosen rushing to their assigned posts as the Vet Center's shrill alarm pierced the air. Jacob had them well trained but since they were temporarily blinded, there wasn't much they could do right now. Using the advantage, Resistance members scaled the walls in order to open the gate from within as the Militia's snipers gave them cover. Her heart was beating wildly, praying for the plan to succeed, as she and her team waited with bated breath.</p>
<p>The second the path was cleared, Rook motioned for the others to fall in line. In her peripheral, she noticed the other teams following suit with their guns at the ready, taking out as many cult members as possible. Adrenaline was rushing through her as she entered the courtyard. Seeing Jacob's Chosen retreat after the initial onslaught that had cost some of them their lives caused a sense of euphoria to spread within her. She knew it was premature but gaining entry had been the part of the plan that she had been most concerned about and to see it work out this well was a promising indicator for what was coming next.</p>
<p>The main objective was to free the captives. Should someone get a shot at taking out Jacob, it would be the cherry on top. Rook was the most likely to get that chance since her personal mission was to find Staci who was most likely close to wherever Jacob would be.</p>
<p>It hadn't been more than ten minutes since the grenades had gone off but she knew that the smoke would dissipate soon so she had to move fast if she wanted to get into the building unseen. After leading her team towards the cages, Rook left them to free the prisoners and hurried to the nearest door. She'd almost reached it when shouts erupted all around her that were soon interspersed with gunshots. It was impossible to make out the words but due to the infrared goggles she was wearing, she could see people crumbling to the ground after being hit.</p>
<p>"Take cover before the smoke dissipates!" Rook yelled into her radio as she twisted the doorknob and fled inside after making sure no one was lying in wait. She kept the door open just a sliver, making sure to leave enough room for her gun, in case she got a chance to take out an enemy, had to defend herself or had to let one of hers in while she monitored the situation. "What the fuck happened?"</p>
<p>"The gate--"</p>
<p>"They're picking us off--"</p>
<p>"They've got--"</p>
<p>"It's a fucking trap," Rook muttered. "Shit."</p>
<p>She should have known. Of fucking course Jacob fucking Seed would have been prepared. How could she have been so arrogant as to assume she'd be able to deceive the Soldier? If any Resistance members died…</p>
<p>Rook's first instinct was to go back out there and figure out how to open the gate so all of them could retreat immediately but she was certain that Jacob had a failsafe that wouldn't make it that easy. She'd bet her ass that Jacob had surveillance cameras not only on the outside but within this building so he was most likely already aware of her position but even if that wasn't the case, she was bound to run into cult members sooner or later so she needed to move. There was no time to ponder eventualities, though, since she was a sitting duck right now and needed to decide on a course of action ASAP.</p>
<p>Figuring that there had to be a control room from where she'd be able to open the gate remotely, Rook descended deeper into the Vet Center.</p>
<p>She had pushed down the goggles so that they hung around her neck since she didn't need them right now and froze the second she looked up. Emergency lights flashed inside the building, tinging the narrow corridor a hellish red that prompted her heart to race in time with its rhythm as memories of the red maze superimposed themselves on reality, causing her to experience a sense of vertigo that had bile rising in the back of her throat. For an endless moment, Rook was unable to move, trying to push back against the despair and anxiety those flashbacks elicited. Her mouth went dry as her body switched rapidly from a flush of heat to a bone-deep chill while claustrophobia settled in, making her vision swim because the walls threatened to close in on her. Cold sweat had broken out all over Rook's body, plastering her clothes to her skin as her fingertips turned numb from lack of circulation. Clammy and hyperventilating, she slowly counted down from ten, forcing herself to stay rooted in reality as she focused on regulating her breathing. Fumbling with the goggles, she put them back on in order to shield herself from the flashbacks. Though it helped her regain a semblance of equilibrium, her hands were still cold, sweaty and shaking ever so slightly as she crept further into the lion's den.</p>
<p>Muscle memory caused Rook to keep her back to the wall as she hurried onwards until the hall took a left turn. She'd have preferred to be able to listen for footsteps before risking exposure but the alarm was still blaring, drowning out everything but the sounds of guns being fired outside and even those became oddly muffled. Bending her knees so her head wouldn't be at the height an attacker would assume it to be, she inched around the corner with her own gun raised and let out a harsh breath of relief when she was faced with an empty staircase. Remaining on high alert, she quickly ascended to the next level.</p>
<p>Though Rook knew she hadn't made it all that far yet, the lack of cult members was so glaringly suspicious that it raised all kinds of red flags. Any second now, she'd run into a clusterfuck of them, she just knew it. The urge to turn tail and rejoin the others - to seek strength in numbers - was so strong, she almost came to a complete stop but then Staci's beat up face flitted through her mind and a new bout of determination made her march on with gritted teeth.</p>
<p>Opening the gate was her first priority but freeing Staci was just as important. Rook owed it to him and was dead set on getting him out of here. And should an opportunity to take out Jacob in the process present itself, all the better for it. Two birds with one stone and all that.</p>
<p>Two heat signatures appeared at the end of the corridor and Rook shot them in the head on autopilot before she hurried forward, keeping her body sideways to present a smaller target. Time blurred as she slowly but steadily made her way towards the top level, taking out any cult members she encountered. There was the murmur of conversation and a sliver of light coming from a half-open door that caught her attention. It wasn't until she heard Jacob's clipped voice that she snapped out of her trance-like state and immediately felt ill when it dawned on her that she'd reverted to techniques Jacob had conditioned her to adhere to. Once again, the borders between memory and reality disintegrated, threatening to pull Rook under completely. She could feel herself losing grip on the here and now. It was so overpowering that she panicked. She needed something that would cut through the haze. Quite literally.</p>
<p>Desperate to not fully fall under his spell, Rook holstered her gun before unsheathing her knife from its thigh holster as remembered words of admonishment and praise echoed through her mind that became interwoven with the low baritone emanating from the room she'd unwittingly approached, urging her to act on his demands. Her hand was shaking so badly that it was near impossible to aim. Dark spots appeared at the edge of her vision as his voice seemed to burrow under her skin. Rook could almost taste smoke and gunpowder on her tongue which sent a horrifyingly pleasant tingle up her spine. In a last ditch effort to hold onto her sanity, she slid the sharp blade across her palm. The sudden pain made her cry out but it also lifted the fog that had descended on her mind. Blood welled up, pooling in her palm before it began to trickle to the floor. While she was preoccupied with re-sheathing the knife one-handed, the alarm died so suddenly it left her ears ringing. Freezing in place, Rook pressed the meat of her other hand against her injured palm in order to stop the bleeding as she waited for her hearing to return and the shakiness to recede. When it did, the silence surrounding her raised the hairs at the back of her neck. She listened intently, expecting to hear more gunshots and, most importantly, Jacob's voice from the next room but there was nothing.</p>
<p>Dread left her unable to move.</p>
<p>Rook was sure that her heart had stopped beating.</p>
<p>And then the barest whisper of movement reached her ears, causing her to stumble backwards rather gracelessly as she tried to free her gun. Her hands were slippery with blood, making an easy draw impossible and before she knew it, the door opened wider and she backed away like a frightened animal, still fumbling with her gun. A heat signature appeared in the doorway, outlined against the surrounding walls. Rook raised her gun and was proud to notice that her aim was steady.</p>
<p>"Don't be shy, pup. Come on in."</p>
<p>Jacob's familiar purr made her knees tremble.</p>
<p>Rook's heart jumped into her throat as the figure stepped into the corridor. He turned towards her and, convinced that this was her one shot, she pulled the trigger. Elation and guilt flooded her in equal measures as the bullet embedded itself into his forehead. When the body crumpled to the floor, she sucked in a shaky breath.</p>
<p>Her mind started to make sense of what had just happened in slow motion.</p>
<p>She'd done it.</p>
<p>Tears sprang into her eyes as catharsis slowly trickled in. Rook wanted to grab her radio and proclaim it to all of Hope County: Jacob Seed was dead. By her hand.</p>
<p>Rook's lower lip trembled even as a smile began to form while tears spilled over, rolling down her cheeks. Lowering her outstretched arms, she let out a deep sigh. Thoughts of how the Resistance would react to the news and what this meant for their efforts to liberate Hope County as a whole raced through her mind. This was, undoubtedly, the victory she badly needed to rally the troops and remind everyone that it was possible to take out the cult. Faith's death had been a needed morale boost but taking her out hadn't been nearly as impressive as getting the drop on one of the brothers.</p>
<p>Those musings were cut abruptly short when someone else emerged from the room. The all too familiar silhouette - even in its abstract form as a heat signature - turned the blood in Rook's veins to ice. With barely a glance spared, he stepped over the body at his feet.</p>
<p>"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," Rook stuttered, shaking her head as she pressed her back against the wall.</p>
<p>Ripping the goggles off her eyes, she stared in disbelief. The light from the open doorway seemed to bounce off the red of his hair, illuminating him from behind in such a way that it almost looked like a halo. She was rooted to the spot. He was like a demon that had just crawled out of her worst nightmare; a sight so abhorrent, she had trouble making sense of it.</p>
<p>Jacob cocked his head at her with an amused smirk.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><b>Night Vision and Infrared Goggles:</b><br/>  <a href="https://nvrig.com/night-vision-vs-infrared-which-is-better/">Among its primary applications are military and surveillance. Infrared is the newest technology applied to night goggles. Instead of light, these goggles depend on the infrared waves produced by any heat-emitting objects. [...] In most cases, infrared light is better than night vision goggles because infrared goggles can recognize objects that are totally or partially hidden."</a></p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <a href="https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smoke_screen">A smoke screen is released to mask the movement or location of military units such as infantry, tanks, aircraft or ships.<br/>
Smoke screens are commonly deployed either by a canister (such as a grenade) or generated by a vehicle (such as a tank or a warship).<br/>
[Smoke grenades] are canister-type grenades used as a ground-to-ground or ground-to-air signaling device."</a>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <a href="https://www.globalsecurity.org/military/library/policy/army/fm/3-50/Appc.htm">"In projecting smoke onto the battlefield, the field artillery uses three types of missions: quick smoke, immediate smoke, and special smoke.<br/>
<b>Quick Smoke:</b> The objective of a quick smoke mission is to <b>obscure the enemy's vision or to conceal maneuver elements </b>. The quick smoke mission equates to the normal HE adjust fire mission. Obscuring the enemy is required, but the urgency of the situation does not require immediate smoke procedures. Use a quick smoke mission to screen a <b>small area of 150 to 600 meters for a period of 4 to 15 minutes </b>."</a>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Smoke grenades that are specifically designed to mask activity from infrared goggles do exist:<br/><a href="https://www.digitaltrends.com/cool-tech/us-army-smoke-grenade-visible-ir/">Presented at the 255th National Meeting &amp; Exposition of the American Chemical Society, [U.S. Army researchers] describe the creation of a totally new kind of smoke that can foil both the human eye and infrared detection. “The objective of this program is to create what we call a bispectral obscurant, which works to block visible, as well as infrared, detection.”</a> (The article is dated 19th March 2018.)<br/>I chose the simpler version for storytelling purposes.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. You Will Sacrifice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> solitary confinement, starvation, dehydration, dissociation (trauma response), catatonia, talk of character death, depression</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Broken people don't hide from their monsters. Broken people let themselves be eaten."</em><br/>
<em>(Eliza And Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia)</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Everything that came after was a fragmented blur.</p><p>Rook's memory of struggling against Jacob before being disarmed and dragged out of the building and into a cage wasn't a cohesive sequence: the motion picture in her head depicting those events stuttered in places where sound was cut out or it momentarily faded to black.</p><p>Stepping into that courtyard littered with corpses she'd recognized all to well had driven the air from her lungs. It had been a stark reminder of what was at stake every time she decided to rebel. She'd known these people; had not only fought by their side but had shared their laughter, anger and despair as the world around her fell to pieces thanks to the civil war raging on. Remembering the shared sense of hope, however tentative, before leading them on this mission gutted her more thoroughly than if she'd taken a knife to her insides.</p><p>They'd trusted her judgement implicitly.</p><p>She'd watched Jacob's Chosen drag away the dead and pour sand onto the puddles of blood that had painted the ground red. Whether or not anyone had made it out alive was a mystery. Had some of her close friends like Sharky or Hurk perished? These thoughts plagued her day in, day out. So much so that she hadn't kept track of days going by, hadn't thought of counting the half-empty flasks of water that had been left in her cage every now and then while she'd been too busy trying to come to terms with her guilt.</p><p>This was her fault.</p><p>Rook was the one who'd decided to go after Jacob. She'd planned the ambush. She'd rallied the troops and they'd followed her because they'd believed in her competence as a leader.</p><p>If it hadn't been for her, the Resistance would have never even considered storming the Veteran's Center. Eli had told her that there was a reason why the Militia had never attacked Jacob's men outright, instead choosing to get smaller hits in whenever possible. But she'd been so sure a coordinated offensive would liberate the Whitetails once and for all that she had brushed all concerns aside. Now, knowing what it had cost those following in her footsteps, she could admit to herself that her conviction had been driven by desperation and fear rather than strategic planning.</p><p>As far as Rook knew, most of her fellow Resistance members were dead now.</p><p>The only thing she'd done right was insisting on Eli staying at the bunker, knowing that his war with Jacob was too personal on both sides. She'd argued that if Eli fell, the Militia would be unlikely to recover and it would have played right into Jacob's hands since their side couldn't afford to lose even one single person let alone someone as important as Eli. And then, in her hubris, she'd promptly led the bulk of the Resistance to their graves. She wondered if Eli's snipers had managed to flee before the cult had had a chance to discover them and, on the tail end of that thought, it occurred to her that Jacob had probably known they'd been outside his gate all along so there was a possibility he'd been aware of everyone's position.</p><p>It was impossible to tell how much time had passed in between then and now. Shock had numbed her to everything else not only in the immediate aftermath but for an indeterminate amount of time. Dimly, she'd been aware of day turning into night again and again, huddling in her cage, thirsty, starving and frozen to the bone. Instead of fighting against the circumstances she found herself in, she became apathetic. Secretly convinced that she deserved this, she embraced the punishment for her unforgivable error in judgement.</p><p>There was only one detail of that fatal mission that stood out in screaming color. It was branded onto the backs of her eyelids so vividly, she was assaulted with the sight every time she closed her eyes, making it impossible to escape. Rook had been pushing it away as best as she could every time her mind decided to replay that nightmarish scene because she wasn't ready - might never be ready - to come to terms with what she'd done. But her overactive thoughts didn't allow her much reprieve, keeping her folly on a loop that insisted she had to confront the consequences of her actions.</p><p>Just thinking about it made it play out in her mind's eye.</p><p>
  <em>A narrow corridor seen only in shades of green and blue through infrared goggles until a red figure emerged, immediately drawing her attention. A deafening gunshot ringing in her ears as the familiar kickback sent a tingle up her arms while the bullet penetrated the figure's forehead, eliciting a final shudder.</em>
</p><p>Rook wanted to stop there, desperate to bask in that moment of relief when she'd thought the person had been Jacob but she was unable to stop the memory from unfolding in its entirety.</p><p>That moment when the eldest Seed had shown himself and it had dawned on her what a terrible mistake she'd made would forever remain a scar on her heart. Like a helpless passenger along for the ride, she had to relive who she'd just killed no matter how much she wanted to shy away from that devastating realization. Rook remembered taking off the goggles and seeing Jacob's distinctive red hair, haloed from behind like a living embodiment of the horsemen of the apocalypse - War having come to pass judgement on her - before her gaze had dropped to the lifeless body at her feet.</p><p>Just thinking about his face had sour bile rising in the back of her throat again but the difference between then and now was that her stomach had contained enough for her to actually throw up in that corridor as opposed to the painful dry-heaving that had her hunching over right now. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks as she brokenly whispered his name in a voice hoarse from hours of crying.</p><p>"Staci."</p><p>Strangely, Rook couldn't remember if he'd screamed, called her name or let out any sound at all. The expression on his face, though, had been one of disbelief and that image was the one that was hardest to get rid of: Staci's wide-eyed gaze and open mouth and, even more vividly, the hole between his eyes. Gravity had guided thick droplets of blood down the side of his face to pool beneath his cheek since he'd landed on his side. The blood had been so shocking in its brightness that it had looked fake.</p><p>Rook had failed the one person she'd sworn to save.</p><p>Jacob's voice had seemed impossibly loud, echoing through her skull while she'd fallen to her knees, staring in abject terror at her friend.</p><p>"If I'd known you had a bone to pick with poor peaches here, pup, I'd have made him part of your training."</p>
<hr/><p>Just like he'd done every night since the thwarted ambush, Jacob walked the expanse of the Vet Center's wraparound balcony, completing his final patrol of the night by checking in on his deputy. He was careful to stay hidden so she'd remain unaware of being observed. It wouldn't do to undermine his own strategy when it came to teaching her a few much needed lessons.</p><p>Rook made for a truly pitiful sight. She was out cold, curled up to preserve what little warmth her body managed to generate despite the increasingly obvious symptoms of starvation that were reducing her to a shell of herself. Unexpectedly, he almost felt bad for putting her through this but she needed to be punished.</p><p>After watching her wreak havoc on the Project's outposts and imploring Joseph to allow him to kill the troublesome, little menace time and time again, utterly unimpressed with his brother's vision of her significance, Jacob had had to admit - to himself at least - that she'd utterly captivated him the second he'd put her under. It hadn't taken long for him to see her potential during his trials: she'd taken to slaughter like a duck to water. Not even in his wildest dreams could he have anticipated that she'd take to his conditioning as magnificently as she had and before he'd known what was happening, he'd found himself focused on making her the best weapon the Project had ever had at its disposal. He'd daydreamed about what her precious Resistance would do once he'd let her loose on them, controlling her as easily as one of his Judges.</p><p>Then, slowly but surely, that need to morph her into another mindless puppet had shifted to something far more personal. Watching her heed his orders and push herself to be better whenever he'd scolded her had had an unexpected effect on him. He remembered watching her tear through her opponents with a grace that was unlike anything he'd ever seen, getting more efficient and more ruthless each time as she heeded his every command.</p><p>It had been her reaction to receiving praise that had gone straight to his dick. When he'd deliberately lowered his voice to a purr, she'd damn near preened. Her flushed cheeks and posture had been a dead giveaway and it had instantly made Jacob hard. Visions of her pinned beneath him, writhing in ecstasy, had followed him into his dreams and he'd realized what he wanted her true purpose to be.</p><p>He knew Joe would chide him for being selfish but he'd already decided that he was going to keep her for himself. If his brother insisted on having her accompany them through Eden's Gate, she would do so at his side and if either one of his brothers had a problem with that… well, they'd just have to get over it because he sure as fuck wasn't sharing her. Rook was his. End of story.</p><p>Jacob smiled. Who'd have thought he'd ever see her as more than a nuisance? Let alone as someone worthy of being rebuilt in his image?</p><p>If only he could find a way to force her to submit to him and only him.</p><p>Though he wanted her to remain strong and obedient, he also relished that temper and sharp wit of hers. Crushing her sense of self for good wouldn't be in his best interests if she was to become more than just another soldier. He needed to conserve her spirit without allowing her to test his will every chance she got.</p><p>For weeks, he'd pondered the best way to achieve that, drafting and discarding one plan after another. It would be a delicate balancing act, focused on making his approval as vital to her as her own heartbeat. But in order to reshape her, he had to emotionally break her first.</p><p>Luckily, she'd handed him her own destruction on a silver platter.</p><p>Jacob had been amused, to say the least, when he'd learned about her plan to storm his compound and though he'd admired her gall, he'd been mostly disappointed at her arrogance for assuming she could one-up him. She still had terrible impulse control though he knew her reason for returning to the mountains was most likely because of Pratt. Whom she'd killed in her bloodlust. He hadn't planned on her doing that but the effect it was having on her pleased him immensely.</p>
<hr/><p>For innumerable days, Rook remained close to catatonic, barely conscious of what was happening around her as she relived the ambush and Staci's death over and over again. The only evidence of anyone having looked after her while she'd been unresponsive, lost within her own mind, was the fairly clean bandage covering the cut in her palm. When she did regain awareness of the present, once she was desperate to engage again, she quickly realized that no one would speak to her. The other cages were empty save for the two furthest away from hers whose inhabitants learned to not interact with her after being threatened by Jacob's men who in turn studiously ignored her; even the person throwing her a flask of water every three days never uttered a word, no matter how much she begged him to tell her anything.</p><p>But what disturbed Rook the most was Jacob's absence. She'd expected him to gloat and pester her whenever possible and, at the very least, to put her through more of his trials but he hadn't shown his face since he'd deposited her in this cage. On a few occasions, she'd thought she'd seen him in the distance, giving orders to his soldiers, but he'd never so much as glanced in her direction.</p><p>Rook wasn't stupid. Rationally, she understood what he was doing. Nothing was more effective than depriving a prisoner of human contact for a prolonged period of time and, for a while, that knowledge had helped her deal with being isolated but it was becoming increasingly difficult, especially since having someone to talk to - even if it was just Jacob spouting his misguided ideology at her - would help distract her from her nightmares and self-destructive thoughts that were threatening to pull her under.</p><p>In her more lucid moments, Rook realized that she was spiralling but was nonetheless powerless to stop it. The death and destruction she'd wreaked made her hate herself but there was no way to do anything about it except claw at her skin and hair in a desperate attempt to rip out the self-destructive thoughts that seemed to devour her from within which, of course, was an exercise in futility. Even if she were to dig out her heart from her chest, her comrades-in-arms wouldn't magically be resurrected. Being responsible for countless unfulfilled hopes and dreams killed her little by little; she felt as if she was surrounded by ghostly imprints of all those whose deaths she'd caused and while she wished they'd stop their torment, she also couldn't help but feel like she deserved it.</p><p>Rook was so malnourished and dehydrated that her tears had dried up long ago and a constant headache had taken up residence behind her eyes. In addition, her mouth was as dry as the Sahara desert and her lips were so chapped that the abused flesh was torn open and started to bleed every time she yawned. The last time she'd had anything to eat was before coming to the Veteran's Center and she was wrecked with hunger pangs because of it. Her nails had become so brittle, they'd all broken and she was shivering all the time since her body heat leeched out of her through the cold, hard, cement floor she was forced to lie on.</p><p>What Rook wouldn't give for a hot meal, a shower and a bed.</p><p>It was near impossible to stay strong under the circumstances and she knew that if Jacob were to offer her any of those basic creature comforts in exchange for information or cooperation, she'd have a hard time refusing.</p><p>Curling in on herself, she fruitlessly tried to find a position that didn't aggravate the extensive bruises covering her body before allowing exhaustion to pull her into a fitful sleep.</p>
<hr/><p>Rook's only way of keeping track of time was to try and mark the days in between getting water. Though it was hard for her to stay lucid long enough to count day turning into night, she figured out that it happened every three days which didn't surprise her in the slightest. Of fucking course, Jacob would time it so that she was constantly dehydrated without actually being at risk of dying from it. And it kept her pathetically weak as a bonus.</p><p>As her strength waned once more, she closed her eyes, focusing on her labored breathing and would have most likely drifted off if it hadn't been for the noise of engines disturbing the by now familiar sounds of the compound.</p><p>Though Rook was delirious and her limbs felt too heavy to move, she noticed them getting louder before they cut off and doors slammed shut, followed by indistinct voices. Perversely, that murmur was comforting and she involuntarily soaked up the audible proof that other people were nearby even if they refused to acknowledge her presence. It soothed her to the brink of sleep.</p><p>Rook didn't even notice the door of her cage being opened but the sensation of being pulled into a sitting position jerked her awake. It took a second to process what was going on since the sudden rush of vertigo had made her dizzy. While she was weakly pushing at what was restraining her, she became aware of warmth seeping into her shivering body and instinctively stopped struggling in favor of crowding closer. It felt like it had been years since she'd been warm, so she greedily soaked it up, desperate to stay as close as possible to the source of life-giving heat.</p><p>She felt pressure at the back of her head before something cold was pressed against her lips. Opening her eyes, she squinted and winced when the sun pierced her retinas, causing her to instantly screw them shut again. Wonderfully cool liquid entered her mouth and she greedily gulped it down, almost choking in the process.</p><p>"Easy, pup. You'll make yourself sick."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://www.practiceofthepractice.com/the-unseen-connection-between-shock-and-dissociation/"><b>Dissociation</b> is commonly thought of in relation to trauma with shock being a typical reaction to trauma. Once an out-of-body experience sets in, their ability to fully process an event is limited. Trauma and dissociation tend to go hand in hand. The emotional numbness was needed at the time of the traumatic event, but it quickly outlives its usefulness.</a>
</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/catatonia"><b>Catatonia</b> is generally associated with, or due to, other medical conditions, especially brain disorders such as neurodegenerative disease and encephalitis. A severe vitamin B12 deficiency, infection, exposure to toxins, or conditions such as schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders, autism, extreme trauma, and mood disorders are associated with catatonia.</a>
</p><p>  <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/catatonia"></a></p><p>   <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/catatonia"><b>Symptoms include:</b><br/>
- stupor (obvious inability to move or respond to stimuli)<br/>
- mutism (little to no verbal communication)<br/>
- waxy flexibility (body remains in whatever position it is placed by another)<br/>
- negativism (lack of verbal response)<br/>
- agitation (for no reason)<br/>
- echolalia (repeating others’ words)<br/>
</a><br/><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/catatonia">Other common symptoms include rigidity and automatic obedience.</a></p><hr/><p>
  <a href="https://scripttorture.tumblr.com/post/163633824048/starvation-part-1-what-it-does-to-individuals">Humans are remarkably resilient and can survive in a severely malnourished condition for a pretty long period of time.</a>
</p><p><b>Physical symptoms of starvation include:</b><br/>- weight loss<br/>- reduction of muscle mass<br/>- growth of body hair (to compensate loss of fat to keep body warm)<br/>- pain<br/>- measurable decrease of physical strength and speed<br/>- lack of coordination<br/>- hair and nails become brittle<br/>- bones become weaker<br/>- menstruation stops<br/>- victims often appear pale or ashen<br/>- skin is less elastic<br/>- dry mouth, tongue, absence of tears<br/>- inability to regulate body temperature<br/>- fainting due to moving too quickly<br/>- swelling in the legs<br/>- cold hands and feet due to poor circulation (serious cases: weak radial pulse)<br/>- multiple organ failure as the body cannibalises itself</p><p><b>Psychological symptoms include:</b><br/>- apathy<br/>- lack of concentration<br/>- reduced ability to care for others and show empathy<br/>- extreme lethargy and lack of energy<br/>- lack of motivation<br/>- emotional blunting/lack of emotional response<br/>- dejection and symptoms similar to mild depression<br/>- lack of confidence<br/>- irritability<br/>- constant frustration<br/>- restlessness<br/>- alienation and animosity towards strangers<br/>- less care taken over personal appearance<br/>- indecisiveness<br/>- forgetfulness</p><p> <a href="https://scripttorture.tumblr.com/post/163442981666/solitary-confinement"><b>Solitary confinement</b> is an extremely damaging torture which has long term repercussions, affecting victims for the rest of their lives.</a><br/><i>Most</i> sources define solitary confinement as 23 hours (or more) a day without human contact. This can be in or outside of a prison context.<br/><i>Most</i> sources agree that anything over a week is prolonged solitary confinement and most victims would begin to show symptoms within a week or sooner.</p><p> <b>Physical symptoms:</b><br/>- headaches<br/>- eye problems<br/>- joint pain<br/>- lethargy<br/>- insomnia<br/>- feelings of physical weakness</p><p><b>Psychological symptoms include:</b><br/>- depression<br/>- anxiety<br/>- feelings of helplessness<br/>- self harm<br/>- aggression<br/>- severe mood swings<br/>- irrational impulses<br/>- memory problems</p><p><b>Having a cause seems to have a hugely protective effect.</b> Political prisoners in solitary confinement do better than other types of prisoners but they do still show symptoms and suffer from confinement.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Fear Did This To You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> nudity, submission, starved for touch and attention, Stockholm Syndrome, casual ableism</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"We fall in love with people whose darkness we recognize. Love, I am convinced, is found in the darkness."</em><br/>
<em>(C. JoyBell C.)</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>The familiar, low murmur sent Rook's heart racing. Faced with the crippling need for human contact and the fear Jacob's presence induced, she didn't know how to respond. She forced her eyes open despite the bright light and stared at the visage of who she considered to be her worst enemy. Revulsion and pride made her twist away from his hold, baring her teeth in a snarl.</p><p>"Wanna be left alone? Fine by me."</p><p>The second he pulled away, though, she found herself fisting his jacket. She barely smothered the pathetic whine that had risen up her throat caused by the utter dread of becoming invisible again. All thoughts of not giving in vanished as the prospect of being left to rot in this godforsaken cage took a hold of her mind.</p><p>"Don't leave," she whispered hoarsely, despising her own weakness even as the plea left her lips.</p><p>Jacob hummed as he pulled her closer, allowing her to rest against his chest. The weight of his hand stroking the back of her hair - seemingly not minding how dirty and tangled it was - made her whimper and push closer to him, seeking his touch.</p><p>"You ready to come inside with me, honey?"</p><p>Self-loathing for being so desperate made tears spring into her eyes even as she sobbed and nodded.</p><p>"Shhh, s'alright," he murmured as he picked her up. "I got you."</p><p>Rook couldn't bear to look at anyone as he carried her bridal-style into the building; not the other prisoners, not the soldiers and certainly not Jacob himself, choosing instead to press her face against his throat in order to hide and savor the warmth his body provided. Echoes of needing to be strong ate away at her self-worth. She wasn't strong. Never had been. It had all been a façade she'd adopted that had shattered into a million pieces under her contemptible arrogance. She didn't deserve to escape that cage. She didn't even deserve Jacob's care because she'd, ultimately, also fallen short of his exacting standards by failing to be strong.</p><p>
  <em>The weak must be culled.</em>
</p><p>Rook jerked at the loud bang of a door slamming shut behind her and realized she must have spaced out since she was now in a small bathroom. Losing time wasn't good, especially when she was alone with the enemy. The fact that it kept happening made her panic.</p><p>When Jacob set her down, dark spots appeared at the edge of her vision, making her sway. Her legs felt like jelly so she grabbed his shoulders to keep steady. It took awhile for Rook to notice what he was doing since she was still feeling oddly disconnected and dazed. It didn't even occur to her to stop him when he took off her grimy clothes but the feeling of his calloused palms on her bare hips snapped her out of her trance. Despite drawing in a sharp, shuddering breath, Rook slapped his hands away and crossed her arms over her sports bra, glaring up at him with as much defiance as she could muster even though she already craved the feeling of being held.</p><p>"Get out," she hissed through gritted teeth.</p><p>"Nothing I haven't seen before, pup," Jacob drawled, making her blush and shiver at the same time.</p><p>"Out!"</p><p>Stepping so close that she had to crane her neck to keep eye contact, he said, "You don't issue orders."</p><p>Though his voice had remained flat, there was a slight edge to it that was mirrored within his glinting eyes, which instantly made Rook cower.</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>The words had slipped out before she'd had time to process them. It had been such an automatic reaction to seeing his displeasure that she ducked her head, mystified and embarrassed at how instantaneously she'd submitted.</p><p>There was the barest hint of a smirk playing around the corner of his mouth when he lifted Rook's chin with a touch so gentle she couldn't help but lean into it.</p><p>"Good girl."</p><p>An amused chuckle came from the man in front of her when her eyes fluttered shut. Giving in would be so easy. Maybe surrendering wouldn't be so bad after all. Just until she'd regained her strength. Screw responsibility. Why should she be the one to shoulder the majority of the Resistance's efforts? She was so tired and she'd earned a little breather after months and months of fighting, hadn't she? And maybe Jacob would ease off once he'd established his dominance. That's what mattered most to him anyway and if it translated into her getting to just be for a while - even for just a second - it might be worth it. She could always put up a fight later when he least expected it.</p><p>"Strip."</p><p>Rook's eyes snapped open as her mouth dropped open as well, gaping at Jacob.</p><p>"W-what?"</p><p>"You heard me."</p><p>He'd said it so quietly, Rook got goosebumps. There was no doubt in her mind that he'd punish her should she decide to disobey.</p><p>Squaring her shoulders, she lifted her chin. "Turn around."</p><p>A raised eyebrow was all she got in response. Clenching her teeth, she stubbornly maintained eye contact with him as she took off her bra even though her entire body felt flushed. The fact that his gaze never dropped reassured her a little even though she was still embarrassed and more than a little unsettled as to what his endgame was. With shaking hands, Rook pushed her panties over her hips and stepped out of them.</p><p>"There, that wasn't so hard, now was it?"</p><p>He turned his back on her to start the shower and she realized that it had been just another one of his power trips, designed to put her in her place. Hatred bloomed so suddenly and violently inside Rook that she balled her hands into fists.</p><p>"Have at it."</p><p>Keeping her head held high, she marched past him, intensely aware of her nudity. The shower stall was tiny. There were cracks in the porcelain and it had cheap, plastic doors but it was clean and the steam wafting towards her made her sigh. Stepping under the hot spray was nothing short of divine. For a while, Rook just stood there, savoring the heat and letting it wash away the superficial grime covering her body. She half expected Jacob to bark at her for wasting resources but he kept quiet; she didn't dare look over her shoulder just yet, but she could feel him looming just out of reach.</p><p>Grabbing the shampoo, Rook took her time in working it through her hair. She ignored the slight burning sensation in her palm when her covered wound got wet in favor of gently combing her fingers through the tangles, letting the foam sit while she made liberal use of the body wash. It stung a bit where it touched the myriad of scrapes covering her body but she couldn't care less since the feeling of getting cleaned up was more than worth it. She scrubbed away until the water sluicing off her ran clear before rinsing off her hair. Just the combined, lemony scents of the shampoo and body wash made her feel better. There was no razor anywhere in sight and so she reluctantly turned off the water and mentally steeled herself before turning around.</p><p>Jacob was leaning against the sink with his arms crossed over his chest and his unwavering gaze fixed on her. A shiver ran through her body. Rook fought the urge to cover herself as she exited the shower stall on unsteady legs.</p><p>Eyeing him, she raised her eyebrows. "You gonna hand me a towel or what?"</p><p>After a deep, indrawn breath, he demanded, "Ask nicely."</p><p>Rook swallowed thickly, trying to quell the anger that threatened to bubble over.</p><p>"Pretty please."</p><p>A pleased little smirk stretched his lips. Expecting him to draw it out a little longer just for kicks, Rook was surprised when he offered her the asked for item a second later. She quickly wrapped it around her body, feeling much better now that she was clean and covered. Adrenaline caused by his presence had kept her going so far but since she still hadn't eaten, her legs were seriously shaking now and she had to grab the counter next to Jacob's hip to steady herself as her vision began to swim.</p><p>Rook let out a surprised squeak when she was grabbed around the waist and hoisted onto the counter. Inadvertently, she'd dug her nails into his shoulders. When she found herself face to face with the eldest Seed all of a sudden, her stomach did a weird little flip. Up close, his eyes were mesmerizing but even chillier. He placed his hand on her upper thigh and she tensed. Rook hadn't paid attention to the fact that he was standing in between her legs until now. Knowing that she was wearing nothing underneath made her nervous. Her towel had fallen open and she had a cutting remark on the tip of her tongue about molestation when he touched the seam but all Jacob did was adjust it so that she was properly covered.</p><p>"Hold out your hand."</p><p>Rook blinked. "What? Why?"</p><p>Reaching into a drawer, he pulled out a first aid kit before taking her hand to remove the wet bandage. Struck speechless, she watched him examine the cut and put cream on it before replacing it with a fresh bandage.</p><p>"You're lucky you didn't cut yourself deeper."</p><p>Lucky? How dare he phrase it like it had been an accident! She'd had to resort to hurting herself in order to regain a clear head due to his infernal brainwashing.</p><p>Once he'd put away the kit, he met her eyes. "What, you're not gonna say thank you? Where are your manners, pup?"</p><p>There was a teasing edge to his voice that had Rook rolling her eyes until he grabbed her chin. His fingers were splayed wide so that his thumb and forefinger dug into her cheeks, applying enough pressure to make it hurt. This man was going to give her whiplash. What the fuck was his deal? Was he bipolar or something?</p><p>"Look at me." The order was completely unnecessary as she'd been shocked into locking eyes with him the second he'd grabbed her. "Say it."</p><p>Her lip curled. Leaning in until her nose almost brushed his, Rook whispered, "No."</p><p>Jacob clicked his tongue, shaking his head as she prepared herself to be hurt in some way. After all, violence was how he communicated and dealt with the world around him, wasn't it?</p><p>She was all the more surprised when he let go of her face and took a step back.</p><p>"Maybe another stint in the cage will make you reconsider."</p><p>"No! I'm sorry!" Rook cried hoarsely as her eyes widened, gripping the lapels of his jacket so tightly her knuckles hurt.</p><p>The mere thought of being thrown back into that godforsaken place made cold sweat break out all over her body as her breathing became uneven. Rook was seriously sick to her stomach just thinking about it and so she kept pleading but it was to no avail. Jacob dragged her, kicking and screaming, back into the courtyard, not caring about her state of undress or the wails coming out of her mouth. If her body had been able to produce tears, she would have wept.</p><p>It wasn't until later that evening, that she was provided with the kind of nondescript, beige clothes she'd seen cult members wear.</p>
<hr/><p>A little less than a week of being ignored and starved went by before Jacob deemed Rook sufficiently punished.</p><p>When he came to fetch her this time, she didn't make a peep as she followed him into the building and up the stairs until they'd reached what she could only assume was his room but she kept her head down the entire time, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. She didn't make a sound when he undressed her or when he remained in the bathroom while she took a shower and certainly not when he changed her bandage again.</p><p>Raising an eyebrow at her once he was done, he waited.</p><p>Swallowing her pride, Rook whispered, "Thank you."</p><p>"For?"</p><p>"Bandaging my hand."</p><p>"Now the full sentence."</p><p>Lord, if she hadn't been sure he'd drag her right back outside, she'd consider kneeing him where it hurt just for being such an arrogant asshole.</p><p>"Thank you for playing nurse," Rook bit out, unable to suppress her anger at how helpless he made her feel but she regretted her big mouth almost instantly.</p><p>Jacob chuckled but it didn't reach his eyes. "You wanna try that again, honey?"</p><p>Taking a deep breath, she said flatly, "Thank you for bandaging my hand."</p><p>"There you go," he murmured. "Good girl. Took a while but we finally got there, huh?"</p><p>The praise washed over her like a caress, sending a spark of heat straight to her nether regions that had her pressing her thighs together. If Jacob noticed, he thankfully didn't comment on it.</p><p>He handed Rook a small bundle of clothes that contained plain white, cotton underwear, a pair of woollen socks, a baggy pair of sweats and a red flannel shirt she strongly suspected to be Jacob's. She hurriedly got dressed and revelled in the feeling of clean, dry clothes on her freshly showered body.</p><p>"C'mon."</p><p>Rook followed him into the main room that seemed to serve as a command center first and bedroom second. There was a twin bed tucked away at the far wall, neatly made, but a massive desk took up most of the space. Her eyes were drawn towards a detailed map of the Whitetails that spanned almost an entire wall, though. Sticky notes were placed all over it and certain locations were circled in red. Without being aware of it, she'd taken a step towards it. Jacob stopped her from getting a closer look by clamping a hand around her bicep to steer her towards the desk when someone knocked on the door.</p><p>"Come in," Jacob barked, making Rook flinch as he sat down in the armchair, leaving her to stand awkwardly next to him before he patted his thigh.</p><p>Heat flooded her face as one of his men entered the room behind her. Jacob couldn't honestly expect her to crawl into his lap, could he? Pursing her lips, Rook crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.</p><p>The hard glint in his eyes belied the amused smirk that had appeared on his lips as he motioned for his soldier to wait without averting his gaze from hers.</p><p>"Disobedience has consequences, pup. I thought you'd learned that by now."</p><p>Rook's heart lurched into her throat as a cold chill snaked up her spine. There was no telling what the repercussions would be. He might let her stew in his cage for a little longer or revert to something more drastic. Was it worth the risk? Would she even be able to withstand another stint in what amounted to solitary confinement? The answer was a resounding no if she was honest with herself. She'd quite simply go mad.</p><p>Reluctantly, Rook did as she was told. With one arm around her waist, Jacob waved the other man in.</p><p>"See, if you're a good, little soldier and follow orders like you were taught to, I won't have to punish you," he drawled as the Chosen approached the desk and silently set down a plate of food. As he did, he shot her a sly leer that humiliated her to the bone though it was soon eclipsed by her growling stomach. Since she hadn't been supplied with any food for so long, she'd learned to ignore it in order to survive but when confronted with a meal right in front of her nose, she was instantly aware of how ravenously hungry she was and had been for far too long. Rook's fingers twitched as the compulsion to grab it grew overwhelming but she wasn't dumb enough to act on that impulse with Jacob right next to her.</p><p>When Jacob reached around her to tear off a chunk of bread, a pitiful whimper escaped her.</p><p>"Shhh," he murmured before offering her the piece. Warily, she accepted it and received a squeeze to the hip when she brought it to her mouth. "There you go."</p><p>His quiet voice and the fact that she was given sustenance made Rook relax, slumping against his chest while she ate as much as he would allow.</p><p>"Awww, <em>you must be huuuungry.</em>"</p><p>"That tends to happen when you've been starved," Rook snapped.</p><p>Jacob's lips brushed her forehead. "Careful how you speak to me, honey. I'd hate having to resort to more inventive ways of teaching you manners."</p><p>The food turned to ash in her mouth as her mind reeled with the possibilities that threat contained but she kept eating mechanically nonetheless, choosing not to confront him.</p><p>She should probably care, she thought absentmindedly.</p><p>Shouldn't it bother her more that he was treating her like this? Giving orders, telling her what she was and wasn't allowed to do? In the back of her mind, Rook realized that she should push back, that it wasn't like her to be so complacent. She was angry at Jacob, sure, but he'd already proven that disobedience wasn't tolerated and, right now, she was weak and at his mercy.</p><p>Could anyone in the Resistance blame her for playing along while she regained her strength?</p><p>If they did, they didn't understand what it had cost her to lead attacks on Eden's Gate over these past few months. They couldn't know what it took out of her to draw the Seeds' ire and meet them on their territory over and over again just to help out the local civilians, most of whom never actively fought with her. Though she'd done it gladly and had every intention of doing so again once she'd managed to escape Jacob, she really needed a time out. And since she was stuck here for the time being anyway, why not kill two birds with one stone?</p><p>Yes, she thought, that's exactly what she was doing: seizing an opportunity that had presented itself. Feeling unexpectedly drawn to Jacob fucking Seed, of all people, had nothing to do with it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Your Judgement Is Clouded</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> Stockholm Syndrome, sexual tension, suggestive language, betrayal, classical conditioning</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Even monsters must dream of fears and wants and the sadness in his voice drew me closer."</em><br/>
<em>(The Kingdom Of Back by Marie Lu)</em>
</p><hr/>
<p>During the next couple of weeks, Rook spent almost every minute by Jacob's side.</p>
<p>She slept in his bed, shared meals with him, joined him on patrols, trained with him and his Chosen and helped take care of the Judges. Aside from letting her in on strategy meetings and being allowed near the prisoners, she was privy to everything that went on at the Veteran's Center. He kept a very tight schedule that reinfused her life with some much needed structure. Gone were the days when she ran to and fro like a headless chicken, catching a wink of sleep for a few minutes here and there in the oddest, most uncomfortable places. As the days passed, the tension disappeared from her shoulders since she was no longer burdened with the impossible responsibility of making hard decisions daily that had life and death consequences for a bunch of people who looked up to her.</p>
<p>It was… <em>nice</em>. Refreshing.</p>
<p>Though Jacob was far from an open book, she'd learned more about him than she'd thought possible. For instance, he drank his coffee black first thing in the morning but transitioned to adding a teaspoon of sugar during the day but only when he thought no one was watching and he didn't seem to care much about the quality of his meals, barely sparing a glance at what he put in his mouth while he kept busy doing other things. Contrary to popular belief, Jacob Seed did have a sense of humor, she'd discovered. He rarely showed it but when he did, it was very dry and exceedingly wicked. Rook treasured the few times she'd managed to make him laugh. He worked crazy hours, doubtlessly fueled by insomnia since he suffered from nightmares and got little to no sleep as a result. More than once, she'd woken up to him thrashing around and tried to calm him down. Despite everything he'd put her through, her heart ached every time it happened. He wouldn't tell her what he'd dreamed about but even if she hadn't read the Book of Joseph, she would've been able to deduct that it was most likely a symptom of PTSD.</p>
<p>Though Rook had been sharing his bed, he'd never crossed the line with her, allowing her to become comfortable to the point of getting the best rest she'd had in ages once she'd given up on sleeping with one eye open. Having been so physically close to him had made her realize that the unidentifiable musky scent she'd recalled at the Wolf's Den when she'd relived the trials had been Jacob.</p>
<p>Somehow, Rook's abject terror had abated. Jacob made her feel <em>safe</em>.</p>
<p>It sounded ludicrous even to her own ears but it was nonetheless the absolute truth and so she'd settled in and - to her surprise - seemed to fit, whether that was due to Jacob deliberately making space for her in his life or coincidence, she had no idea. But it started to feel less and less like the momentary relief she'd sworn it would be and more and more like something real.</p><hr/>
<p>It was early morning. For once, Rook was awake before Jacob whose chest was pressed to her back. Careful not to wake him, she slipped out of his embrace and tiptoed towards the open door that led to the balcony. Twilight painted the world below her in shades of blue and gray, making everything look like a dream. This time of day was called the blue hour and she'd always loved it because, for a little while, it made the world look the way melancholy felt. Just before dawn would banish the shadows for the day. A handful of Chosen were quietly patroling the perimeter, though she knew there were more of them stationed out of her line of sight. She could see the Judges asleep in their enclosure and had a direct view of the cages. It was oddly peaceful and made it hard to imagine that there was a civil war raging on outside these gates. So difficult, in fact, that it seemed unreal to her.</p>
<p>Was there still a Resistance?</p>
<p>She hadn't heard anything over the radio but she assumed that Jacob most likely purposely kept any news from her.</p>
<p>Was it selfish to want to stay in this weird, little bubble a little longer?</p>
<p>Of course it was. She knew that. Just like she knew that her friends in the Resistance must still be fighting back against the cult. Did they know that she was alive? If so, why hadn't they tried to free her or at least given her some kind of signal to let her know they hadn't forgotten her? Even if Jacob had made sure she wasn't privy to radio calls, surely they could have found a way to contact her somehow.</p>
<p>Or did they know why the ambush had gone wrong so quickly?</p>
<p>Had they forsaken her because they now viewed her as a traitor? Had they somehow figured out that she had led their loved ones to their deaths? Or maybe this was just what happened when a soldier got taken prisoner. The people who were supposed to have each others backs would choose to declare their missing comrades a lost cause. So much for leaving no one behind.</p>
<p>But was it so bad to be behind enemy lines? Hadn't she not only regained her strength but also improved her mental well-being? Was the cult even still her enemy? Was Jacob?</p>
<p>Rook glanced over her shoulder at the sleeping giant. He'd moved while her back had been turned. Now, he took up most of the space due to his sheer bulk and height. One arm was flung over his face while the other dangled off the edge of the bed. His breathing was audible from where she stood; not quite a snore but loud enough for her to clearly hear the deep breaths that made his chest rise and fall. It was one of those rare moments when he looked utterly serene and she vowed to commit this image to memory because she knew, in her heart of hearts, that they weren't on the same side. Would never be on the same side. Her feelings towards him had become so muddled that she had trouble separating truth from emotion. He'd put her through severe trauma only to turn around and catch her after he'd all but broken her spirit and she knew that it was fucked up but she was loathe to give up these newfound feelings of peace and safety he'd inspired.</p>
<p>Even if Rook hadn't spent this much time with Jacob, she'd have realized that he - all of the Seeds, really - had been deeply traumatized, which had translated into the violence she'd seen being enacted all throughout Hope County. It was tempting to give in to compassion and accept that as an excuse but while it might be the reason they were screwed up, it did not justify them using violence to force people to convert.</p>
<p>Violence begat violence.</p>
<p>The cycle needed to be broken or it would go on until one side was completely eviscerated. But not fighting back when civilians kept being abducted wasn't an option either and since the cult didn't shy away from using guns, the Resistance had to do the same to defend itself. After the massacre here at the Vet Center it was implausible to expect they'd ever be able to squash the cult. They simply lacked the manpower. A truce seemed to be the only option to keep Rook's people safe but she'd seen time and time again how unrelenting the cult's methods were and she doubted Joseph Seed would be willing to negotiate. He'd proven that his ultimate goal was to have all of Hope County join his cult by any means necessary which brought her right back to square one.</p>
<p>An ear-piercing wail interrupted her musings, causing her to whirl around from watching Jacob and step onto the balcony. There was a commotion as Chosen stormed towards the cages where the noise was evidently coming from. The loud clangs disturbing the twilit silence could only mean that someone was throwing themselves at the bars while screaming bloody murder. Rook frowned, leaning over the railing to get a better look when she felt Jacob step up behind her, placing his hands on her hips to pull her back.</p>
<p>"Get inside."</p>
<p>His voice was even gruffer than normal, scratchy from sleep.</p>
<p>"But--"</p>
<p>"Now."</p>
<p>When she didn't move, he swung her around, shoving her none too gently back inside.</p>
<p>"Do not make me repeat myself, honey."</p>
<p>The underlying threat was easily detectable and Rook's heart sped up in response as she marched towards the bathroom to change into workout clothes. Jacob remained outside to talk to his men, having grabbed his radio on the way out. She couldn't make out his words, but she gauged from his tone that he was giving orders.</p>
<p>Though Rook didn't know exactly what had happened, her guess was that the prisoner making all that ruckus had probably just completed a trial and did now have to come to terms with what they'd done while operating in a fugue state. She knew that feeling all too well. As she began to brush her teeth, she thought about all the carnage she'd been responsible for while under Jacob's thrall. Rook understood that it hadn't been her, not really, but that didn't change the feeling of having blood on her hands. Whether or not she'd been in control at the time, her hands had done the killing.</p>
<p>And Staci.</p>
<p>Just thinking about Staci made Rook nauseous. The fact that it hadn't happened while she'd been completely out of her mind made it infinitely worse; she couldn't even blame Jacob for Staci's death. It had been her own impatience and eagerness tinged with an enormous amount of fear that had caused her to shoot first and ask questions later. She'd like to think that she'd learned her lesson. If she was honest with herself, part of the reason why she was so desperate to stay with Jacob a little longer was because she was afraid to join back up with the Resistance. Being blamed for what had happened was the least of her worries. The real problem was that Rook wasn't sure she could trust her own judgement. What if she was just some trigger happy lunatic that put everyone in danger? She'd been complimented on her quick reflexes and ruthlessness when it came to taking out enemy combatants but, looking back at it now, knowing what had led her to kill Staci, she wondered if said ruthlessness might have just been unconscionable recklessness. Maybe she'd become the Resistance's hero more by luck than judgement. At least while she was with Jacob, she wasn't out and about, reigning chaos and destruction down on whomever she encountered wherever she went.</p>
<p>As if her thoughts had summoned him, he entered the bathroom just as she finished brushing her teeth. Finding his eyes in the mirror, Rook raised a questioning eyebrow as he picked up a pair of scissors and began to trim his beard.</p>
<p>"What was that all about?"</p>
<p>"Nothing you need to worry your pretty, little head about."</p>
<p>"It came from the prisoners."</p>
<p>"None of your business, pup."</p>
<p>"Who did you put through your trials, Jake?"</p>
<p>"Leave it."</p>
<p>"How many did they kill?"</p>
<p>"Rook."</p>
<p>The growl in his voice had enough bite to it that it made her back off, however reluctantly. Drawing his ire wouldn't do anyone any good but she needed to find a way to liberate the prisoners while she was in a position to do so from the inside. For her own peace of mind if nothing else.</p>
<p>Rook crossed her arms and pursed her lips, not quite glaring at him but coming close. He ignored her until he was done and then ran his finger along her exposed collarbone, making her shiver, before he slid his hand up to encircle her throat. Though he didn't squeeze, the feeling of his rough palm against her skin raised goosebumps all over her body. The hair at the nape of her neck stood on end due to the threat the possessive gesture contained.</p>
<p>Leaning in, he whispered, "You're not forgetting your place... are you, honey?"</p>
<p>The softly uttered question made Rook queasy. She could feel the blood drain from her face since it was all too easy to read between the lines: <em>I'll give you a reminder if that's the case</em>.</p>
<p>"N-no."</p>
<p>"Good," he said, letting go to chuck her under her chin before he wet a towel and grabbed something from the cabinet.</p>
<p>Snapping his finger, he motioned for Rook to follow him and she was moving before she'd made a conscious decision to do so. Jacob pulled out the chair from behind his desk after he'd set down what she realized was a shaving kit next to him. The damp towel joined the assortment a second later.</p>
<p>With a crook of his finger, he murmured, "C'mere."</p>
<p>Warily, Rook approached. He was stropping the straight razor as she came to a stop in front of his knees. She didn't know what she was expecting but being offered the blade wasn't it. For a few endless seconds, she just stared. It had been weeks since she'd last held any type of weapon. Ever since Jacob had disarmed her after she'd shot Staci, he'd been careful to keep anything that could be used as a weapon far away from her.</p>
<p>"What are you-- I-I don't understand," Rook stuttered.</p>
<p>Wordlessly, he reached for her hand and placed the razor in it without taking his eyes off hers.</p>
<p>Was this a trap?</p>
<p>"I need a shave," was all he said, leaving her still confused.</p>
<p>"And you want me to do it for you?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>Something was wrong. Rook didn't know what was going on yet but this unusual request raised all kinds of red flags in her mind. What was he up to?</p>
<p>Rook frowned as her free hand hovered at the side of his head, unsure of how to proceed. Frowning at his smirk, she put down the razor and picked up the shaving cream instead as she lifted his chin.</p>
<p>Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand after she'd applied the cream, she said, "I've never used a straight razor before."</p>
<p>"Then you better be extra careful."</p>
<p>"Would it kill you to be helpful?"</p>
<p>The wolfish grin her exasperated comment elicited was way too sharp, making her uneasy even though his eyes crinkled ever so slightly at the corners which reassured her that she hadn't fucked up yet.</p>
<p>"You gotta come closer for a start."</p>
<p>Stepping in between his thighs, she leaned down but could already tell that the angle would be awkward for the task and probably give her back spasms in no time at all.</p>
<p>"Closer."</p>
<p>Rook's gaze darted up to connect with his, making her shiver. With his head tilted back, he was looking at her through half-lidded eyes that glinted in the early morning light. They were the epitome of bedroom eyes as he waited for her to figure out that there was only one option that would allow her to get even closer at a more favorable angle.</p>
<p>Gulping, Rook steadied herself on his shoulder as she shifted to straddle him. Jacob's hands came to rest on her thighs and she'd be lying if she claimed that the position didn't send a pulse of arousal straight to her core.</p>
<p>"Keep a flat angle."</p>
<p>Rook's hands shook a little as she cupped the side of his neck and brought the razor close to his skin. Taking a few deep breaths to dispel her nerves, she cautiously placed the sharp edge against the base of his throat where the shaving cream started.</p>
<p>"Nice and steady," he murmured, making her glance up at him.</p>
<p>There was a strange intensity in his eyes. Something wild and anticipatory. Though she was seemingly in control, he reminded her of a predator now more than ever.</p>
<p>Rook averted her eyes to focus on her task but she could feel him staring at her. Shifting in his lap, she gasped when he grabbed her hips tightly to keep her immobile. He didn't need to comment for her to understand. She could feel his… excitement. Heat flooded her face as her mouth went dry. Choosing to not address the fact that he was hard beneath her, she carefully began to move the razor upwards. The rasp of the blade against his stubbled throat provided something to focus on instead of dwelling on how turned on she was. Knowing that she literally had a sharp blade against his jugular gave her an unexpectedly heady sense of control, sending a rush of pleasure through her. Once she'd completed the first stripe, Rook gently ran her fingertips across the newly shaved skin to check if it was smooth, making Jacob shudder beneath her.</p>
<p>"Excellent," he praised.</p>
<p>Licking her lips as her back arched ever so slightly in response, she tackled the next bit of skin.</p>
<p>"<em>Did you know it takes ten days for civilization to collapse?</em>" he asked, disturbing the silence after she'd removed the razor. "Well done, keep going."</p>
<p>Doing as she was told, Rook checked and got rid of some left over stubble.</p>
<p>"<em>Yup. You take away a man's basic needs and he will revert to his primordial instincts in just ten days.</em>"</p>
<p>Rook ignored the mean laugh that followed that statement, choosing to not let him distract her as she shaved the next bit. Should she end up nicking him, she had a feeling it wouldn't turn out well for her.</p>
<p>"<em>Ah, it's a difficult thing to understand unless you've lived it. I was in Iraq during the first Gulf War,</em> did you know that? <em>Eighty-second airborne. All-Americans. Hoo-rah</em>," he said with fake enthusiasm once she'd removed the razor to wipe the cream off of it.</p>
<p>He chuckled in a self-deprecating way - as if he was lamenting his younger self's misplaced idealism - before he fell silent long enough for her to complete the next stripe. "Good." As she brushed her fingers against his skin, he said, "<em>One night, there was, uh, an ambush. Me and this guy named Miller got separated from the unit. No food. No radio. Nearest base two hundred clicks to the south. So we just started walking. Well, by the third day, I knew we were lost. Day six… ran out of water. You know what that's like, don't'cha? Difficult to swallow.</em>"</p>
<p>Rook almost bit her tongue from how quickly her jaw clenched at his insouciant tone, practically ripping the blade away from his skin lest she'd do something stupid like intentionally slip. Yes, she bloody well knew what that was like. He'd made sure of it! As if to appease her, Jacob slid his hands up a bit, hitting bare skin underneath her shirt.</p>
<p>"<em>On the seventh day, Miller's legs started going all wonky. Did you know your brain starts to eat your muscles in order to survive? That's why you're</em> still <em>so goddamn skinny</em>," he commented, squeezing her hips. "<em>And by the eighth day, the wolves were closing in.</em>"</p>
<p>Taking the damp towel Jacob had brought from the bathroom, Rook wiped away the last bits of shaving cream and loose hairs as she wondered why he was telling her all this.</p>
<p>"Perfect," he murmured.</p>
<p>Chancing a glance up at him, Rook froze as he lowered his chin. She got the feeling that he was dissecting her, searching for something she couldn't name as his hands slid up to her waist. The move made her shiver and it took every ounce of self-control she possessed to not rock her hips against his. Biting her lip, her gaze dropped to his lips for just a second before she forced herself to look up again.</p>
<p>Was he coming on to her? Then why the monologue about his experiences as a soldier?</p>
<p>"<em>And I looked at Miller and I could tell we're as good as dead. And I accepted that. And in that acceptance… came clarity. You see, I wasn't just looking at Miller.</em>"</p>
<p>Jacob grabbed the back of her neck, forcing her forehead against his.</p>
<p>"<em>I was looking at an opportunity. And it wasn't something I wanted… it was something that I had to do. It was… it was my test</em>."</p>
<p>His voice held an edge of mania. Something was wrong. Rook tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her even when she put her hands against his chest for more leverage. Panic was bubbling up as she tried to make sense of what was happening.</p>
<p>"<em>Now, you see, Miller's sacrifice… wasn't about me walking out of that desert. It was about bringing me here</em>."</p>
<p>"Jake?"</p>
<p>Releasing her neck, he wrapped one arm around her waist as he sat up fully and reached behind her for something.</p>
<p>"I need you to do one last thing for me, honey, before you can come back home for good."</p>
<p>When Rook recognized the telltale sounds of a music box being wound up, it was already too late.</p>
<p>"<em>Everyone has a purpose.</em>"</p>
<p>
  <strong>Only you can make all this world seem right</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-symptoms/"><b>Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)</b> is a serious mental illness characterized by symptoms of avoidance and nervous system arousal after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. While often experienced by people who serve in combat military operations, PTSD is also regularly seen in other types of trauma too, ranging from automobile accidents and injuries to rape and abuse.</a>
</p>
<p><b>Signs and Symptoms of PTSD include:</b><br/>- Memory problems that are exclusive to the event<br/>- Negative thoughts or beliefs about one’s self or the world<br/>- Distorted sense of blame for one’s self or others, related to the event<br/>- Being stuck in severe emotions related to the trauma (e.g. horror, shame, sadness)<br/>- Severely reduced interest in pre-trauma activities<br/>- Feeling detached, isolated or disconnected from other people<br/>- Difficulty concentrating<br/>- Irritability, increased temper or anger<br/>- Difficulty falling or staying asleep<br/>- Hypervigilance<br/>- Being easily startled</p>
<p>Many professionals who work in trauma differentiate between “big T-traumas," like the ones listed above, and “little-t traumas.” <b>Little-t traumas can include complicated grief, divorce, non-professional media exposure to trauma, or childhood emotional abuse</b>, and clinicians recognize that these can result in post-traumatic stress, even if they don’t qualify for the PTSD diagnosis.</p>
<p><b>There is no longer a requirement that someone had to have an intense emotional response at the time of the event</b> This requirement excluded many veterans and sexual assault survivors in the past.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. You've Forgotten Your Purpose</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> classical conditioning, operant conditioning, murder, gunshot wound, talk of murder</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"We all have a Monster within; the difference is in degree, not in kind."</em><br/>
<em>(The Monster Of Florence by Douglas Preston)</em>
</p><hr/>
<p>The unexpectedness of being hit with that song had ripped through all of Rook's defences even though she tried her best to regain control as quickly as possible. But, taken as off guard as she was, it felt as if her consciousness had been instantly banished to the far recesses of her mind, stripping her of any and all agency over her own body. Tunnel vision took over as she went into autopilot like the puppet Jacob had designed her to be. With gun in hand, Rook began her trip through the red maze even though she was screaming inside, fighting for control, seeking some kind of hold that would allow her to pull herself back from the precipice.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Only you can make the darkness bright</strong>
</p>
<p>Rook forced herself to calm down as much as possible even though she mentally flinched at every chokehold, punch and shot she fired since she had enough mental capabilities left to be aware that the mysterious enemy combatants that went up in smoke after she took them out were real people whose deaths she was responsible for while she tried to recall that memory of the fire pit outside her cage that had served her so well when she'd practiced with Eli. All the while, she steadily made her way onwards.</p>
<p>
  <em>Excellent.</em>
</p>
<p>Jacob's purr echoed through Rook's skull, disrupting her concentration and flinging her back into the horribly familiar fugue state as the praise set her nervous system on fire in the best of ways, sending pleasurable tingles up her spine.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Only you and you alone</strong>
</p>
<p>Rook was running towards her goal, aiming her gun at any faceless person who got in her way. Lost to the purpose Jacob had built into her psyche, Rook carved a swath of destruction through the imagined labyrinth, cutting down people left and right. Anyone who approached was taken out. She prayed that one of them would manage to knock her out but it seemed like she was shit out of luck.</p>
<p>
  <em>Keep moving.</em>
</p>
<p>It took immense effort to regain shreds of lucidity bit by bit and it caused an immediate headache to bloom behind her eye sockets. Despite the pain, Rook once again envisioned the fire pit and concentrated on recreating a three-dimensional memory. The vivid colors that ranged from deep red and fiery orange to bright yellows came to life within her mind. Next, Rook thought of what it sounded like, remembering the cheery cackling that had felt so out of place back in that cage while people all around her had been suffering. At last, she imagined that she was able to feel the warmth of the fire.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Can thrill me like you do</strong>
</p>
<p>She only managed to not sink back into oblivion because she fought with everything inside her against his compulsion, stubbornly tuning out the song as best as she could while she forced herself to conjure the heat of the flames until she could feel it prickling her face. The scent of smoke tickled her nose almost without any effort on her part, reminding her of… <em>Jacob</em>. He always had a whiff of smoke clinging to his clothes and hair and she'd burrowed her nose against his neck more than once, all too happy to breathe him in.</p>
<p>
  <em>Good. Cull the herd.</em>
</p>
<p>His words seemed far away but they sent a frisson of fear through her nonetheless because of what she knew his praise was really in response to. Thinking about her victims almost made her lose control once more. Rook's heartbeat pounded in her ears, resonating so loudly inside her skull that it drowned out everything else. It submerged her in sensory deprivation for a moment which lasted long enough that it threatened to rip the mental image of her saving grace right out of her metaphorical fingertips.</p>
<p>
  <strong>And fill my heart with love for only you</strong>
</p>
<p>Instead of allowing that thought to derail her, Rook returned to actively taking in the deep, raspy timbre of Jacob's voice that always seemed to bodily caress her very being. There was a smoothness to it when he spoke quietly that never failed to elicit pleasure and she added it on top of the cackling fire until she was able to center herself.</p>
<p>
  <em>Well done.</em>
</p>
<p>Gradually, Rook allowed awareness of her body and what it was doing to trickle in. Her vision was still tinged red but it was fainter than she remembered and the song was only heard from a distance. Though she was still unable to make herself stop moving or lower her weapon, Jacob's labyrinth faded into something more familiar.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Only you can make all this change in me</strong>
</p>
<p>Since Rook could still see the maze superimposed on her actual surroundings, she had trouble pinpointing where she was. Turning a corner while also falling down a tunnel, she had trouble separating illusion from reality but she knew from previous experiences that she'd almost reached the end.</p>
<p>
  <em>Not good enough!</em>
</p>
<p>Rook tried keeping her arm from raising into a shooting position but couldn't manage to gain enough control. The only thing she was able to do was slow down the movement as another faceless person appeared in front of her. Rook's grip on reality wasn't stable and it made her vision swim, vacillating between an attacker and someone vaguely familiar who was holding out their hand towards her.</p>
<p>
  <strong>For it's true, you are my destiny</strong>
</p>
<p>"Rook?"</p>
<p>That voice… she knew that voice. With a sinking feeling in her stomach, Rook watched herself take aim.</p>
<p>
  <em>Perfect.</em>
</p>
<p>"Rook!"</p>
<p>Eli.</p>
<p>Rook mentally screamed his name as time seemingly came to a stop. Putting all her effort into lowering the weapon, she barely managed to jerk her hand towards the side as she fired. The shot was deafening. Whether it was due to the terror coursing through her or because she'd finally succeeded in breaking out of Jacob's conditioning, she suddenly found herself in complete control as time unfroze. Only to watch Eli sink to the floor.</p>
<p>Tammy barreled past her, screaming, "<em>Eli! No...no</em>!"</p>
<p>A wounded, hoarse wail escaped Rook as she let the gun slip from her fingers and was about to rush towards him, only to be blocked by Wheaty who grabbed her upper arms so tightly it hurt.</p>
<p>"<em>What the fuck did you do?</em>"</p>
<p>Tears were streaming down her sweaty face as she frantically shook her head, unwilling to believe what she'd just done.</p>
<p>It couldn't have happened again.</p>
<p>First Staci and now Eli?</p>
<p>Wheaty was trembling and wide-eyed, yelling insults at her face when a groan sounded from behind him, prompting him to look over his shoulder at Tammy and Eli.</p>
<p>"He's okay," Tammy whispered breathily.</p>
<p>Shivering from the sudden loss of adrenaline, Rook's knees almost gave out when she heard Eli's voice.</p>
<p>"I'm fine! Let her go, Wheaty."</p>
<p>Rook fell to her knees when he did, throwing up from the aftereffects of her fight against the fugue state and terror at what unforgivable crime she'd almost committed. Tears were blinding her vision as she emptied her stomach to the point of dry-heaving, shaking like a leaf in the wind. She felt feverish and cold at the same time, bathed in sweat.</p>
<p>An arm wrapped around her midsection before she was pulled into a one-armed embrace.</p>
<p>"Shhhh," Eli cooed, "you did it."</p>
<p>Clawing at his shirt, Rook pressed herself against his soothingly solid body, allowing him to rock them back and forth as she blubbered like an idiot, unable to quench her hysteria.</p>
<p>"You beat him, sweetheart."</p>
<p>The pride in his voice was unmistakable but Rook was unable to share his sense of victory.</p>
<p>"You were the target," she babbled. "He's been using me to get to you all along!"</p>
<p>"But he didn't get to me."</p>
<p>"I shot you!"</p>
<p>"You hit my shoulder, nothing more."</p>
<p>"Only because you shouted my name!"</p>
<p>"No, because you pulled yourself out of it just in time."</p>
<p>Lifting her head long enough to check his injury, Rook detected the tightly wrapped bandage covering his bicep that was already stained red. The sight of his blood filled her with overwhelming guilt. Letting her head drop to his shoulder, she sobbed.</p>
<p>"I almost killed you!"</p>
<p>"But you didn't!" he reiterated, reassuring her as she began to hiccup. "Hey, hey. Rook. Sweetheart, you didn't."</p>
<p>"You need a medic," Tammy interrupted. "Both of you."</p><hr/>
<p>After she'd let Liv clean her up and check her over, the medic had handed Rook some sleeping pills to calm her down which had sent her into oblivion the second her head had hit the pillow. It had lasted nearly a whole day, helping her recover from the traumatic ordeal of realizing that she'd been sent to kill Eli and the physical exertion of fighting Jacob's conditioning. She was lucky that her mission hadn't been successful since she was sure she'd never be able to come to terms with her part in all of this had it ended in her adding another one of her closest friends to her list of víctims.</p>
<p>The sense of betrayal Rook felt was much harder to deal with.</p>
<p>Coming to terms with the fact that Jacob had always planned to use her to infiltrate the Militia was difficult enough because of its sheer depravity. But what really bugged her was her naiveté.</p>
<p>She'd begun to trust him despite knowing he was her enemy, despite having experienced first-hand what he did to people; how he used them. Somehow, Jacob had managed to burrow even deeper under her skin. Not only did he have the means to reduce her to a mindless killer but he'd also fooled her into thinking he cared in his own, twisted way. Self-loathing made her lips pull into a snarl. How dumb she'd been. Looking back at her time by his side and her response to him now with a little more clarity, she realized it had Stockholm Syndrome written all over it. He'd picked her apart to the point of near insanity via starvation and torture for the sole purpose of positioning himself as the only source of comfort. Rook had to give credit where credit was due: it was ingenious. What better way to undermine the Resistance than by using their own people to infiltrate them?</p>
<p>Manipulative bastard.</p>
<p>Rook hated him for making her think he cared about her just as much as she hated him for making her care about him.</p>
<p>Every little detail about Jacob Seed had been burned into her retinas. Whenever she closed her eyes, she could see an afterimage of him. Always there, no matter where she was. He'd taken up a constant presence at the back of her mind that had shifted from dread to something akin to longing and although it made her disgusted with herself, it was impossible to overcome. She was still <em>Jacob's</em>, regardless of how much she wanted to deny it. He'd scrambled her brains and had forged a bond that went deeper than anything else. It was more intimate than any other relationship she could think of: deeper than friendship or love, deeper even than family. Desire, fear and hatred had gotten all tangled up, impossible to separate. He was inside her very being and even though she'd managed to shake his brainwashing off just in time, she was left feeling hollow instead of free in the aftermath. Jacob was like an insidious specter that haunted the recesses of her mind.</p>
<p>Rook doubted she'd ever get rid of him for good.</p><hr/>
<p>Knocking softly to announce her presence, Rook leaned against the doorframe, looking in on a disgruntled Eli who was propped up against a mountain of pillows and covered with a multitude of blankets. It looked as if every single member of the Militia had handed over their bedding to ensure their leader was as comfortable as possible. Though said leader looked anything but grateful right now.</p>
<p>"How are you feeling, Palmer?"</p>
<p>"Peachy. If only someone," he grumbled, shooting a glare at Tammy, "would stop nagging me."</p>
<p>The woman in question crossed her arms over her chest with a mulish expression. "You need to rest."</p>
<p>Rook was still exhausted but their bickering put a small smile on her face.</p>
<p>"Maybe you should listen," she said softly, causing Tammy to nod along.</p>
<p>"Don't you start as well."</p>
<p>"You're a horrible patient," Tammy snapped before heading towards the door.</p>
<p>When her eyes met Rook's, she inclined her head ever so slightly to Rook's utter surprise but she returned the gesture, accepting it as the olive branch it was.</p>
<p>"How are you really feeling?" she asked once Tammy had left, stepping towards the bed to take a seat at his feet.</p>
<p>"Perfectly fine. Not my first gunshot, sweetheart."</p>
<p>"Is your arm fully functioning?"</p>
<p>He hummed in affirmation.</p>
<p>"Does it hurt?"</p>
<p>"You put a bullet in me, of course it hurts," Eli deadpanned. Swallowing thickly, Rook opened her mouth to apologize but he waved her off. "Leave it."</p>
<p>"But--"</p>
<p>"Seed sent you to kill me and you didn't. You've got nothing to be sorry for."</p>
<p>"That's not--"</p>
<p>"Rook, zip it."</p>
<p>"Christ, you're difficult!" she snapped.</p>
<p>"Look who's talking."</p>
<p>For a second, they glared at each other but the absurdity of quarreling over the fact that he'd survived despite the assassination attempt caused both of them to break into a grin.</p>
<p>Dragging her hand over her face, she asked, "How many did I kill?"</p>
<p>"On your way here?"</p>
<p>Rook nodded.</p>
<p>"About twenty," he said after a pause. "But they weren't all Resistance. Some cult members got in your way as well."</p>
<p>"Right," she mumbled.</p>
<p>Rook knew it should comfort her that she'd also taken out enemy soldiers but all she could think about was the ever increasing amount of blood on her hands.</p>
<p>"It wasn't your fault."</p>
<p>"Death doesn't care for semantics, Eli." He nodded as she gathered the courage to ask a question that had plagued her for the past few weeks. "How many survived the attack on the Vet Center?"</p>
<p>Straightening up from his reclined position, he leaned towards her with a sigh. "A third of the ground troop. Most of my snipers"</p>
<p>A third. They'd been about a hundred people total, including twenty of the Militia. That meant that she'd led more than fifty people to their deaths in a single day with one, ill-advised decision. Hanging her head, she fought down the nausea that brought bile to the back of her throat.</p>
<p>"What about Hurk and Sharky?"</p>
<p>"They're fine. They were close to the gates and Whitehorse ordered everyone to retreat once he realized what was going on."</p>
<p>"Thank god," she breathed. "I didn't know--"</p>
<p>"No one did."</p>
<p>"I should have listened to you. I should have known Jacob would be prepared. If only I hadn't been so damn cocky."</p>
<p>"Rook, if Whitehorse and the rest hadn't agreed with your plan, they wouldn't have followed you."</p>
<p>His absolution felt like acid being poured on an open wound.</p>
<p>"I killed Staci," she whispered.</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"I got inside the Vet Center when the gate closed," Rook said, unable to stop the word vomit, needing to tell someone. "I was supposed to find Staci - I'd promised him I'd come back for him - when the alarm went off and the red lights-- they-- and I-- I couldn't-- I almost lost control. I was fighting the conditioning--"</p>
<p>"Almost?"</p>
<p>She nodded as a tear rolled down her cheek. "I put the infrared goggles back on to keep sane and then-- h-he--"</p>
<p>"What? Rook, what happened?"</p>
<p>"I thought it was him and I was close to losing it. I shot him. Point blank. Right between the eyes. And I was so elated," she breathed, looking up at Eli for the first time since she'd started talking. "I thought I'd done it. Thought I'd secured a massive victory for Hope County."</p>
<p>Eli was frowning but the look in his eyes was full of compassion. "It wasn't Jacob."</p>
<p>Rook shook her head as the tears kept flowing. "Staci put his life on the line to help me escape and I repaid it by killing him."</p>
<p>"Honey--"</p>
<p>"Don't call me that!"</p>
<p>"Alright, I won't," he said softly, seemingly undeterred by her sharp reaction. "It was an impossible situation. You got triggered. If it's anyone's fault, it's Jacob's."</p>
<p>"The whole surprise attack was my idea."</p>
<p>"But it wasn't a surprise."</p>
<p>Her heart began to pound. "How do you know that?"</p>
<p>"Whitehorse figured out who tipped off Jacob."</p>
<p>"Who was it?!"</p>
<p>"One of the farmer's boys. The kid was a plant. The attack didn't fail because of you, sweetheart."</p>
<p>She slumped over, putting her elbows on her knees as she tried to regain her equilibrium. Eli rubbed her back, making her jump at the unexpected yet welcome contact.</p>
<p>"Sorry," she murmured, embarrassed at her skittishness.</p>
<p>He leaned back against his pillows, exhaling sharply as he settled in.</p>
<p>"You're tired. I'll leave you be."</p>
<p>"You sleep well?" he asked. "No nightmares?"</p>
<p>"I think I was too exhausted for any kind of dreams," she admitted as she got up. "Something to look forward to--"</p>
<p>Just then, the radio on Eli's bedside table cackled and Rook froze on the spot, staring at it like a deer caught in headlights.</p>
<p>"<em>Don't you find it ironic that everyone you try to help winds up worse off</em>, honey?" Eli shot her a piercing look at hearing the endearment she'd just forbidden him to use falling from Jacob's lips. "<em>Eli. Pratt. Tragedy just follows you. If you really want to keep people safe</em>, you'd return home. <em>Come back to me. Safer for everyone that way.</em>"</p>
<p>"He thinks you're dead."</p>
<p>Eli was staring at the radio with an expression she'd never seen on him before. Utter hatred hardened his eyes. "Let's correct him then."</p>
<p>"What? Eli--"</p>
<p>Rook hadn't even finished her sentence when he brought the radio to his mouth.</p>
<p>"Try again, Seed. Me and Rook are alive and well. Your little experiment failed. She bested you."</p>
<p>There was a long enough pause that Rook wondered if Jacob had heard the reply before he responded with a tut.</p>
<p>"<em>So you've forgotten your purpose</em>, pup. <em>You were on the path of the Chosen but now you've strayed. Fear did this to you but don't worry, I can help with that. I can remove your fear and give you strength. You can't stop fate. Come home. It's not too late</em>."</p>
<p>"Turn it off!" she demanded but lunged for the radio nonetheless, having a pretty good idea of what was about to happen. She heard the very first chords of the song and it made her shiver violently before she switched it off with shaky hands. "Shit. That was too close."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><a href="http://thesurvivaldoctor.com/2012/07/26/gunshot-wounds/"><b>Survival Guide For A Gunshot Wound In The Arms Or Legs:</b></a><br/>Direct pressure, elevation, pressure bandage—in that order. Elevate the wound above the heart, and apply a pressure bandage.<br/>Then if it’s still bleeding, take your fingers and apply pressure to the brachial artery for the arm or the femoral artery for the leg.<br/>If all else fails in an extremity, go to a tourniquet. (It may come down to “lose a limb or lose a life.”)<br/>If the area is rapidly swelling, that’s a sign of internal bleeding. Also, consider that a bone might have been injured, even shattered. If you suspect this, the area needs to be splinted.</p>
<p><b>What About the Bullet?</b><br/>In most circumstances, you don’t want to remove an implanted bullet. It’s almost impossible to find, and it may actually be corking up a big blood vessel. Thousands of military members live daily with shrapnel in their bodies. Unless there’s initial infection from the wound itself, the body adapts to most metal without much serious problem.</p>
<p>Gunshot wounds can run the gamut. Some people are too severely injured to save. Get expert treatment as soon as possible.</p>
<hr/>
<p><a href="https://www.psychmechanics.com/the-psychology-behind-stockholm-syndrome/"><b>Stockholm syndrome as a stress response</b></a><br/>Stockholm Syndrome is designed to <b>increase the chances of survival in life-threatening or extremely fearful situations</b> such as kidnapping and abuse. We humans have a number of strategies to deal with such potentially life-threatening situations:<br/>- <b>fight-or-flight response:</b> fight them or run away from them and save your life<br/>- <b>freeze response:</b> the victim stays still so as to minimize resistance and discourage the aggressor from engaging in violence<br/>- <b>fright response:</b> the victim plays dead, forcing the aggressor to overlook them</p>
<p><b>How does it work?</b><br/>For one, the captors and abusers often demand compliance from their victims and <b>compliance is more likely when you like someone</b>. If the victims don’t comply, their chances of ending up dead increase.<br/>So Stockholm Syndrome is a <b>stress response and a defense mechanism</b> that the human mind uses to make the victims more compliant to the demands of their captors.<br/>Typically, the <b>captor will threaten the victim with dire consequences</b>. They’ll threaten them with violence or death. The victim instantly feels powerless and helpless. They start thinking of their imminent death. They’ve lost everything. They’re at the end of their rope.<br/>In this scenario, the <b>victim’s mind exaggerates any small act of kindness or mercy</b> by the captor. Moments ago, they were threatening them with death and now they’re being merciful. This contrast effect <b>magnifies the small acts of kindness</b> by the captors in the victim’s mind. The result is that the victim is overly grateful to the captor for being kind, feeding them, letting them live and not killing them.<br/>The relief experienced due to the knowledge that the captor hasn’t killed them and is capable of mercy is enormous for the victim.</p>
<p>Another thing that the victims do is that they <b>project their victim status onto their captors</b>. It takes their mind off from their own troubles as they focus on how their captors are indeed the real victims. Through all of this, the <b>victims come to form a bond with their captors</b>.</p>
<p>Studies show that <b>women are more prone to developing Stockholm Syndrome</b>.</p>
<p>  <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201203/what-underlies-stockholm-syndrome">Most of human history has been played out in hunter-gatherer societies in which abductions, particularly of women and their dependent children, must have been very common. It is possible to envisage that the capture-bonding psychological response is not merely or only an ego defence, but also an <b>adaptive trait that promotes survival in times of war and strife</b>. If the capture-bonding response is indeed deeply ingrained in the human psyche, then its activation or partial activation could help explain not only the counterintuitive behaviour of some hostages, but also that of people who engage and persist in, among others, religious cults, abusive relationships, and sadomasochistic sexual practices.</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. It All Ends Bloody</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><b>Chapter Warnings:</b> gunshot wound</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls.</em><br/>
<em>(Edgar Allan Poe)</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>"Try again, Seed."</p><p>Jacob's smug smile vanished the second he recognized the voice.</p><p>"Me and Rook are alive and well. Your little experiment failed."</p><p>Impossible. Rook had immediately succumbed when she'd heard the song, he'd seen the vacant stare as she'd switched to autopilot when his conditioning had kicked in. Jacob had even escorted her out to the gate, for fuck's sake, feeling immensely pleased that she'd not only refrained from attacking him but had also listened to his orders when he'd forbidden her from going after anyone in the courtyard. His men had followed her at a safe distance, reporting back to him while she'd led them straight to the Militia's little hideout.</p><p>"She bested you."</p><p>Swallowing down his anger at this unexpected turn of events, he brought the radio to his lips and clicked his tongue. "<em>So you've forgotten your purpose</em>, pup. <em>You were on the path of the Chosen but now you've strayed. Fear did this to you but don't worry, I can help with that. I can remove your fear and give you strength</em>." So Rook needed a little push from him. That was alright. Reaching for the music box, he said, "<em>You can't stop fate. Come home. It's not too late</em>."</p><p>"Turn it off!"</p><p>The terror in Rook's voice was balm to his soul. It proved that she hadn't slipped from his grasp just yet despite her rebellion.</p><p>If his girl wouldn't come home on her own, he'd have to fetch her himself.</p>
<hr/><p>When sleep continued to evade her, after tossing and turning for a couple of hours, Rook sat up in bed with a muffled huff. Throwing the covers off of her, she tiptoed across the room and slipped out the door, mindful not to wake the people she was sharing the room with.</p><p>The Wolf's Den was quiet and sparsely illuminated at night with only the emergency lights on. Resolved that she was unlikely to get any sleep tonight, Rook decided she might as well get a cup of coffee before heading to the command center. A half-awake Wheaty was slumped in his chair, surveying the monitors.</p><p>"Go get some sleep," Rook said softly. "I'll cover your shift."</p><p>"You sure?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm awake anyhow. Any unusual activity?"</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>"Tammy and her group still out?"</p><p>"Yeah. She radioed earlier. Said they're on their way back."</p><p>"Did they get the supplies?"</p><p>"Some, not all."</p><p>Nodding, she motioned for him to leave. Wheaty didn't need to be told twice. "Thanks, Dep."</p><p>"Sure, sure," she murmured as she claimed his vacated seat and pulled her knees up to her chest, giving the security feeds a cursory glance to ascertain that everything was quiet outside while she took a sip of the awful sludge that passed for coffee around here.</p><p>A scowl crept onto her face when the thought occurred to her that John probably had access to actual coffee beans at his stupid ranch. The fucker.</p><p>Rook sighed when her thoughts drifted to the eldest Seed which they'd been wont to do over the past few days. The lack of communication made her wary. It felt suspiciously like the quiet before the storm, in her opinion, and it was the main reason behind her insomnia. Being caught unawares wouldn't do. Jacob was waiting for the opportune moment to enact some heinous plan, she was sure of it. The fact that Eli was still alive was surely not sitting well with the Soldier and if she'd learned anything about Jacob, it was that he was good at adapting to any and all difficulties that were thrown his way.</p><p>But the other reason for her inability to get some rest was far more personal and deeply unsettling: Rook had gotten used to sharing the bed with Jacob and it was proving to be impossible to relax without him next to her which infuriated her to no end. As if he hadn't messed her up enough with his conditioning, he'd had the audacity to make her become accustomed to his presence to such a degree that she felt the most irritating sense of longing now that she couldn't be close to him.</p><p>She wondered if he was awake…</p><p>Was he scheming at this very minute? Rook could see him, in her mind's eye, moving pins back and forth on that giant map in his room, drawing possible tactical movements onto it in bright red marker as he plotted how to kill them all. Rook wondered if she'd earned a death sentence by failing to fulfill her purpose. Or perhaps he was in the grip of yet another nightmare, soaked in sweat and thrashing around until his legs were all tangled up in the sheets. Her heart ached at the possibility as her eyes fell on the radio. Biting her lip, she hesitated before reaching for it. She switched to his private channel and stared at the device in her hand, tapping her index finger against its back. It was a monumentally bad idea. She knew that but the urge to contact him was steadily getting stronger. Rook shook her head at herself and reluctantly set it down in front of her again.</p><p>Glancing up at the row of monitors, she did a double take when something moved before she rolled her chair closer to take a look. She could have sworn she'd just seen something sailing through the air in a downright arc but there was nothing unusual on the screen. The camera gave her a clear view of the area just outside the hidden entrance to the Wolf's Den and everything seemed to be quiet but she knew that she hadn't hallucinated. Unease raised the hairs at the back of her neck.</p><p>Rook slowly got up, keeping her gaze darting from monitor to monitor as she debated how to proceed: sounding the alarm would be premature since she didn't have any real evidence that suggested imminent danger but she trusted her instincts enough to know that something was off. Informing Eli would be the best course of action but she did not want to leave the security feeds unattended.</p><p>A bright flash momentarily brightened the security camera, making Rook instinctively shield her eyes. What the fuck was that? Her heart was hammering in her chest. It had almost looked like... a smoke grenade? Lowering her arm, she yelled Eli's name, uncaring whether or not she woke up the entire bunker. Staring at the monitor, she waited for the smoke to dissipate, having an awfully good idea of just who might be outside. Behind her, doors were being thrown open as Militia members, who'd been roused from sleep because of her, emerged from their dorms. The smoke was still obscuring the screen but she was fairly sure there were indistinct, moving figures.</p><p>"What the hell is going on?" Eli barked as he came rushing towards her.</p><p>"We have visitors."</p><p>"What?!"</p><p>"They threw a smoke grenade," she said quietly, forcing herself to remain calm as she pointed to the screen in question. Panicking wouldn't help anyone.</p><p>"Shit," Eli breathed then glanced at her with furrowed brows. "Seed?"</p><p>"Who else would it be?"</p><p>"Of fucking course, that crazy fucker!"</p><p>"How did he even know-- oh fuck," she breathed, sinking into the chair as her knees went weak. "I came here from-- He must have had me followed... oh god, Eli, I led him here. I'm so sorry!"</p><p>"No use crying over spilled milk, sweetheart," Eli said, waving off her guilt ridden apologies in favor of handling the situation. "We could wait him out. Unless he's got an industrial grade torch with him, he ain't getting in here."</p><p>"We could but he's probably prepared to do the same."</p><p>"What do you suggest?"</p><p>She sighed. "I'd say find out what he wants but I think you and I know what that is."</p><p>"Rook--"</p><p>"Look!" The smoke had cleared enough to reveal a small army of heavily armed men, forming a half circle around the entrance with their guns at the ready. "Those are Jacob's Chosen."</p><p>Jacob was out there somewhere. He must be.</p><p>"What does he think he's gonna accomplish? We got everything we need in here."</p><p>"I don't-- Is that Tammy?!" Rook choked out as a woman was pushed onto her knees in front of the rows of men who now bore an awful resemblance to a firing squad. It didn't take long for the other three unaccounted for Militia members to follow.</p><p>Eli's soft but empathetic slew of expletives was answer enough.</p><p>"I'm going out."</p><p>"You wha-- Rook!" Catching the crook of her elbow, Eli pulled her to a stop. "Let's think about this rationally."</p><p>"There's nothing to think about. If you honestly believe he's not gonna give the order to pump them full of lead, you're kidding yourself."</p><p>"I've been dealing with that maniac far longer than you, kid."</p><p>"Hit a nerve, did I, old man?"</p><p>"I'll go."</p><p>"You'll do no such thing!" she snarled. The mere thought of Jacob killing Eli - which was surely what would happen - made her blood boil.</p><p>"You don't call the shots here. Sit your ass down and let me deal with it."</p><p>"Fat chance," Rook murmured, choosing to ignore his order.</p><p>Following close on his heel as Eli yanked on his jacket and made his way towards the front door, she threw him a grim smile when he gave her a reproachful look. With a huff at her obstinacy, Eli squared his shoulders and stepped outside. He was tempted to give Rook a shove and close the door on her but he knew that would only piss her off.</p><p>The atmosphere in the small clearing that was located only a few steps away from the bunker was ominous in the pre-dawn dimness. There was a palpable tension in the air that made her spidey senses tingle. Rook paid hardly any attention to the guns pointed her way, focusing on their faces instead. She recognized quite a few from training. However, the distinctive red hair and beard she was searching for was nowhere to be seen and it made her shift into a fighting stance. Jacob wouldn't stage something like this and not show up. No way, no how. So where was he? If he was hiding, there must be a reason for that.</p><p>"What now?" Eli asked loudly, raising his hands.</p><p>For a second, Rook's eyes met Tammy's who had her lips pressed into a thin line even as she remained on her knees with her hands behind her head. Tammy glanced skywards without moving her head before making eye contact again and mouthing, "Sni-per".</p><p>"Kneel," one of the Chosen replied. "Both of you."</p><p>Rook's stomach dropped as Eli tugged her down with her, scanning the treetops without any luck. There were just too many opportunities for camouflage. Turning towards Eli, a wave of nausea overwhelmed her when she noticed the red dot dancing across his temple. Even though Rook was closer to the sniper's location and they were both kneeling, Eli was taller than her, providing a clear shot. Jacob's rifle was equipped with a silencer, she knew. Without wasting another thought on what the Chosen might do, she lunged at Eli, throwing her arms around his neck while pulling his head down against her throat.</p><p>She took him down just as a shot was fired.</p>
<hr/><p>Jacob was perched on a sturdy tree branch that awarded him a perfect line of sight at the entrance of the Militia's hideout. He had to give it to them: if Rook hadn't led the way, he might have never found it. He knew that Eli wouldn't allow any of his people to come to harm right outside his door when he knew he could avoid it so Jacob was just counting the seconds until their leader would emerge and if he knew Rook at all, she'd be hot on his heels. Since Jacob had kept eyes on the Wolf's Den ever since he'd let Rook leave, he knew that she hadn't left Eli's home base yet.</p><p>And, sure enough, it took less than five minutes after his men had lined up the group of Whitetails for Eli to come outside, closely followed by Rook who, he could tell, was looking for him amongst his Chosen.</p><p>A smirk pulled at his lips. "Soon, honey," he murmured as he took aim.</p><p>So focused was he on taking his shot that he didn't notice Rook's silent exchange with the blonde. A second after he pulled the trigger, Rook was in his crosshairs, going down with Eli.</p><p>His heart stopped.</p>
<hr/><p>Rook cried out in pain.</p><p>The impact reverberated through her body, making it feel as if her entire spine and ribcage had been shattered. Agony whitened out her senses as she was jostled into a different position. Someone was talking - or screaming? - but she couldn't distinguish details under the onslaught of nauseating waves of pain that radiated outwards from the middle of her back. She couldn't breathe! Every time she tried to draw a breath, it felt like something was squashing her insides, making it impossible to inhale. Panicking, she thrashed as a horrible, gurgling sound reached her ears. It took a few minutes for her to realize that the dreadful noise was coming from her.</p>
<hr/><p>Eli didn't know what hit him when he was suddenly thrown sideways with Rook attached to his neck. Then something made her spasm against him and the wail that left her, followed by a rattling sound unlike anything he'd ever heard before, raised goosebumps all over his body.</p><p>"Rook?!"</p><p>He was aware of the Chosen and his own people shouting and moving towards them but the gurgle that came from Rook when he pulled her off of him as gently as he could demanded all his attention. She had her eyes screwed shut and her breathing was shallow at best. Every few seconds, she jerked in his hold. He didn't know what was wrong until Tammy crawled over to them and pushed Rook against Eli's chest so that she wasn't lying on her back.</p><p>"Seed was gonna shoot you," Tammy explained as she frantically examined Rook's back.</p><p>The sleeve of his jacket was soaked with blood where he'd held her and Eli blanched, realizing that she'd taken a bullet for him.</p><p>"Anyone of you a medic?" Eli shouted at the Chosen, receiving shaking heads in return. "Get Liv, Tammy!"</p><p>Judging by the sounds Rook made, none of them were equipped to deal with her injury; they needed a professional. Eli had no idea what to do: Did he put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding? But what about her shortness of breath? Would covering the wound worsen it? And what about the bullet? Did they have to dig it out or was it safer to leave it in?</p><p>He heard feminine voices from behind him soon after and breathed a sigh of relief that they had a medic in residence but their chatter was overshadowed by a pair of boots hitting the ground and, next thing he knew, Jacob Seed was kneeling beside him, reaching for Rook.</p><p>Eli bared his teeth at him, "You happy now?"</p>
<hr/><p>Jacob swallowed his anger at Palmer's barely hidden accusation in favor of checking Rook's pulse. It was rapid, probably a result of not only the injury but also her obvious anxiety at not being able to breathe properly. While Eli was still cradling her, doing his best to keep her immobile so she wouldn't cause further injury to herself, Jacob slid his hand between their bodies and gently swiped across her sternum.</p><p>"What the hell are you doing, Seed?"</p><p>"What do you think I'm doing, Palmer? Checking for an exit wound."</p><p>He detected no wetness and his hand held no traces of blood when he pulled back so the bullet must be lodged inside. There was no telling how much damage it had caused, ripping through tissue on its way in. Rook needed surgery. ASAP.</p><p>The blonde and a short brunette dropped to their knees on either side of him, elbowing him out of the way.</p><p>"Give her to me," Jacob demanded.</p><p>The scathing look he got in return from Eli made Jacob's nostrils flare in anger as the women completely ignored him. The brunette opened the bag she'd set down next to her, rummaging through it.</p><p>"Someone, cut her shirt open, I need to seal the wound. Tammy, get the oxygen mask ready."</p><p>Jacob unsheathed the hunting knife strapped to his thigh and cut Rook's shirt right along her spine as gently as he could. "You not gonna leave the bullet in, are you?" he asked as he backed off to give the medic space to work.</p><p>"I need to stabilize her first. I can't just perform surgery willy nilly in the open, now can I?" she snapped, putting what Jacob knew from his time in the Army to be occlusive dressing on the entry wound.</p><p>"You got an OR?"</p><p>"How large do you think the Wolf's Den is, Seed?" Eli asked curtly.</p><p>The barely contained fury in his voice told Jacob the only reason he wasn't in his face was because of the woman in his arms.</p><p>"That bullet cannot stay inside her chest," Jacob snapped. "I'm taking her to the Armory."</p><p>"Over my dead body!"</p><p>"I don't give a shit about what you think, Palmer. I got an OR and I'm taking Rook."</p><p>"Liv?"</p><p>"She needs surgery, Eli," the brunette admitted as she took the oxygen mask from Tammy and put it on Rook. "We don't have the equipment."</p><p>"Can you do the surgery?" Jacob injected before Eli had a chance to reply.</p><p>"I've never performed it myself but I know how to in theory."</p><p>"Then you're coming with."</p><p>There was a finality to his tone that made his Chosen straighten up as they raised their guns at the Militia members, knowing Jacob would force them to do as he commanded if they didn't comply on their own.</p><p>"Then I am too," Eli said.</p><p>"Like hell you are--"</p><p>"We're a package deal, Seed. Take it or leave it."</p><p>Jacob opened his mouth for a retort but was cut off by the medic, "Boys, we don't have time for your bickering. Eli, we need to move her. Now."</p><p>Eli attempted to stand while holding Rook but his shoulder was still injured from the failed assassination attempt and he visibly strained to support her weight, prompting Jacob to reach out. After staring Eli down for a few seconds, the other man relinquished his hold. With a barely conscious Rook in his arms, Jacob hurried towards the trucks that were parked at the road with Eli and the medic at his side while his Chosen fell into formation behind them. He cursed the fact that they'd had to hike to the Wolf's Den on foot due to its hidden location.</p><p>Every second wasted endangered Rook's chances of survival.</p>
<hr/><p>The pain was still demanding most of her attention but as she regained some shred of awareness of what else was going on, she noticed that something was obscuring her mouth and nose. Panicking, she reached up, intending to tear it off of her but her hands were captured.</p><p>"Dep, stop," a vaguely familiar, feminine voice said.</p><p>Opening her eyes, she saw the blurry image of someone she thought she should recognize but the name eluded her.</p><p>"Hold still, honey."</p><p>Now, <em>that</em> voice, she knew. Blinking, she tilted her head back and focused on Jacob's face who glanced down at her with those impossibly blue eyes of his. Wasn't she mad at him or something? Frowning, as a new wave of pain tore through her, caused by Jacob's speed-walking that jostled her, she let her head drop back against his shoulder. Dizziness blurred her sight as she inhaled greedily, dimly registering that the mask must be helping her breathe. Rook tried to recall what had happened but everything hurt and she seemed to dip in and out of consciousness so frequently that it was impossible to keep track of time.</p><p>One second she was looking up at a brightening sky, the next she tensed from the pain of being moved into a sitting position until her forehead was pressed against something warm and slightly damp.</p><p>"Shhh, pup. I've got you," Jacob murmured, pressing his lips to the top of her head.</p><p>The rumble of an engine being started clued Rook in to the fact that they must be in a car but as her eyes got heavier and heavier, she began to nod off even though it was nigh impossible to relax since every little dip in the road made her nauseous to the point of bile rising up in the back of her throat. Jacob was just as tense beneath her, trying to shield her as much as possible. Rook drifted off for a bit, pulled under by the pain once more.</p><p>Then a deafening explosion coupled with such blinding whiteness she could see it through her closed eyelids ripped her out of her stupor, followed by a stretch of complete silence that felt paradoxically loud which soon morphed into a cacophony of screams and cries. She couldn't make sense of their words but the noise level surrounding her made everything worse. Jacob's grip on her had tightened as he too started to yell. His obvious agitation made her heart race. The car began to vibrate so strongly that the windows rattled in their frames as it was assaulted by such strong winds that she could feel the car being pushed towards the side while the temperature began to rise.</p>
<hr/><p>Jacob was urging his man behind the wheel to drive faster, not liking how pale Rook had become in addition to the fact that she kept losing consciousness. They were maybe five minutes away from the Armory when an explosion detonated that was so deafening it eviscerated all sound for a few, breathless moments as his vision whitened out. His ears were ringing when he turned his head to the right and stared in momentary disbelief at the mushroom cloud that rose in the distance. It looked so surreal that Jacob had trouble processing what was happening but he snapped out of it almost at once. This is what they'd been preparing for, after all.</p><p>"What the hell?" Eli exclaimed breathlessly as the blonde broke into a litany of, "Oh, god. Oh my god. Oh god, oh god, oh god."</p><p>"Drive faster!" he yelled at his Chosen as he ripped the radio from his belt. "Everyone to the Amory at once! This is not a drill! Leave everything else and get your asses there as quickly as possible!"</p><p>The medic next to him had gone deathly pale but she stayed focused on making sure Rook, who was trying to push the mask off her face after having been roused by the explosion, was kept stable.</p><p>The car was vibrating from the wall of pressure that hit them from the direction of the bomb; a precursor to the heatwave that was headed their way. Jacob took comfort in the knowledge that the Armory wasn't far.</p><p>Then their car was hit by a tree.</p>
<hr/><p>Rook registered Jacob's order to head to the Armory and tried to free her mouth so she could ask what was going on but someone kept it pressed to her face. Opening her eyes, she locked gazes with an alarmingly pale Liv who mutely shook her head at her without easing up on her grip on Rook's mask. Then something crashed through the window and Rook felt Jacob crush her to his chest as the car flipped and she hit her head on something.</p><p>She lost consciousness soon after.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>…</strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>"Jacob, are you there? Over."</p><p>"Yes. Where are you, Joe? Over."</p><p>"John's bunker. Did you make it to the Armory? Over."</p><p>"Yes. Over."</p><p>"Is Rook with you? Over."</p><p>"Yes. Over."</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>So cold were the days when I listened to you</em><br/>
<em>And you say that I'm weak so show me the proof</em><br/>
<em>Because I still exist in spite of you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(Schizophrenic Conversations by Staind)</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <b>Thanks for reading! Please leave Kudos if you enjoyed it? I've been working on this for five months, hearing from you guys would be great&lt;3</b>
</p><hr/><p>
  <a href="https://www.epainassist.com/personal-injury/gunshot-wound/chest-trauma">A bullet can hit vital organs like lungs or pleura. This is a common injury in gunshot wounds to the chest, when a bullet gets lodged into the pleural cavity or even the lung tissue. In such cases, the chances of hemorrhage as well as infection are high. Complications due to retention of the bullet in the lung can cause severe damage. The location of injury is critical and may help in guiding emergency medical care. Organs located in the thoracic cavity, neck and peritoneal viscera are at risk if injured.</a>
</p><p><b>Common injuries noticed in gunshot wounds to the chest:</b><br/>- hemothorax<br/>- pneumothorax<br/>- rupture of diaphragm<br/>- bruising of lungs<br/>- subcutaneous emphysema<br/>- tearing of thoracic wall<br/>- fracture of breastbone</p><p>Gunshot wound to the chest can cause the patient’s condition to deteriorate rapidly, hence emergency care and assessment done immediately can help. It is important to look for airways, breathing and circulation (ABCs).<br/><b>Patient may present:</b><br/>- rapid breathing<br/>- use of accessory breathing muscles<br/>- stridor (<a href="https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/003074.htm">high-pitched extra-thoracic breath sound resulting from turbulent air flow</a>)<br/>- anxiety (in case of airway obstruction)<br/><b>Signs to be noted:</b><br/>- breath sounds<br/>- location and intensity of pain<br/>- patient’s alertness<br/>- mental status<br/>- confusion<br/>- pulse<br/>- respiratory rate<br/>- blood pressure<br/>- cyanosis (bluish discoloration of skin due to deficient oxygenation of the blood)</p><p>  <a href="https://www.drugs.com/cg/traumatic-pneumothorax.html">A traumatic pneumothorax is when part of your lung collapses. It's caused by an injury that tears your lung and allows air to enter the pleural space. This is the area between your lungs and your chest wall. The air trapped in your pleural space prevents your lung from filling with air, which causes it to collapse.</a></p><p>  </p><p>  <a href="https://www.armystudyguide.com/content/powerpoint/First_Aid_Presentations/thoracic-trauma-2.shtml"></a></p><p>  <a href="https://www.armystudyguide.com/content/powerpoint/First_Aid_Presentations/thoracic-trauma-2.shtml">Severity is directly proportional to the size of the wound.</a></p><p>  <a href="https://www.armystudyguide.com/content/powerpoint/First_Aid_Presentations/thoracic-trauma-2.shtml"></a></p><p><a href="https://www.armystudyguide.com/content/powerpoint/First_Aid_Presentations/thoracic-trauma-2.shtml"><b>Management:</b><br/>
- Apply an Asherman Chest Seal </a><a href="https://www.chinookmed.com/12102/asherman-chest-seal.html#:~:text=The%20Asherman%20Chest%20Seal%E2%84%A2%20(ACS),or%20other%20penetrating%20chest%20trauma">(safer approach to treating open pneumothorax and preventing tension pneumothorax in chest injuries from penetrating chest trauma)</a><br/>- Occlusive dressing (<a href="https://www.woundsource.com/blog/what-occlusive-dressing">air- and water-tight trauma medical dressing used in first aid without the absorbent properties of gauze pads</a>) with a release valve<br/>- Observe for development of a Tension Pneumothorax</p>
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